| Featuring: |
 |
| Guests: |
Cab Driver |
| Written By: |
Elad Benari and Guy Benari |
Announcer: In the last episode of Soap, Jessica was kidnapped, brought before a firing squad, and was shot. Burt received a tip about a major drug deal going on, but it was exactly a trick from his political enemies, who were planning to shoot him. Chester found Danny and Annie in bed and planned to shoot them, before El Puerco could shoot him in the duel. And Jodie shot down all of Mary hope's that he'll ever snap out of thinking he's an old Jewish man.
Confused? Who can blame you? It's been 19 years. But don't worry, you won't be after this episode of Soap.
This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells. And this is SOAP.
Scene 1: Benson enters a cab.
Cab driver: Where to?
Benson: Dunn's River.
Cab driver: Dunn's River? I'm from that town. Where to?
Benson: The Tate house.
Cab driver: The Tates? Wow! They're the richest family in Connecticut.
Benson: And the strangest too.
Cab driver: You know them?
Benson: Know them? I used to be their butler, unfortunately.
Cab driver: How long did you do that for?
Benson: Too long to count.
Cab driver: Why? What was it like?
Benson: Oh, just your average run of the mill family (snicker). What am I talking about, that family is totally flipped out.
Cab driver: In what way?
Benson: In every way possible. I mean, forget about what happened when I worked there. Look at what's been happenning to them for the past 19 years.
Cab driver: What's been happening?
Benson: Do you have a good grip on the steering wheel?
Cab driver: It can't be that bad.
Benson: Oh yeah? The mother, Jessica, was kidnapped by Malaguayians and shot by a firing squad.
(Cab driver loses grip and they almost crash).
Benson: Told ya.
Cab driver: That IS a big one, but it can't get any worse that that.
Benson: She's been in a coma for 19 years, and they've just finished negotiating with Malaguay now to bring her back here.
Cab driver: How'd they do that?
Benson: I think it was the bombings that killed 99% of their people. You're lucky to find a living soul in that country.
Cab driver: So, big deal, the mother was kidnapped, that can happen in any family.
Benson: How about this: The father Chester, who's an embezzling, cheating murderer, married a woman half his age, a college roommate of his daughter's.
Cab driver: Small potatoes.
Benson: And his son had an affair with the wife and then Chester decided to kill them both.
Cab driver: I'd better stop here on the side to...get gas.
Benson: Your tank is full.
Cab driver: Fine, I want to get cigarettes.
Benson: There's a pack right here.
Cab driver: OK, I'm afraid if you keep telling this outrageous story while I'm driving, I'll crash.
Benson: Keep going. This ride is costing a fortune already.
Cab driver: Alright. Keep talking.
Benson: You're sure you're ready for the rest of the story?
Cab driver (lighting a cigarette): It's going to be a long ride.
Scene 2: Benson and the Cab driver
Cab driver: So, Mrs. Tate was in a coma for 19 years?
Benson: That's right. But she's on the way home as we speak.
Cab driver: What about Mr. Tate?
Benson: He tried to shoot his wife and son but missed. They institutionalized him and he's been there for 19 years.
Cab driver: Amazing!
Benson: That's not it. One of their daughters married a killer, and the other married a priest.
Cab driver: Interesting.
Benson: And Mrs. Tate's father thought he was still in World War II.
Cab driver: And they put Chester away??
Benson: I know....Anyways, that's nothing compared to the Campbells.
Cab driver: The Campbells?
Benson: Yes. Jessica's sister Mary and her second husband Burt.
Cab driver: What happened to her first husband?
Benson: Burt killed him.
Cab driver: Oh, that's just dandy. Can this get any worse??
Benson: Yes it can. Mary's son, whom everyone thought was her first husband's, turned out to be Mr. Tate's.
Cab driver: Oh, how nice.
Benson: And her other son is gay.
Cab driver: So? There are a lot of gay people out there today.
Benson: Yes that's true, but not many of them were hypnotized and think they're an old Jewish man.
Cab driver: Hey, have they ever considered family counselling?
Benson: They don't need family counselling. They need a miracle.
Cab driver: So, what else happened to the Campbells?
Benson: Did I mention Chuck and Bob?
Cab driver: Chuck and Bob???
Benson: Chuck is Burt's son from his first marriage.
Cab driver: And who's Bob?
Benson: Bob is his little wooden doll, who Chuck thinks is real.
Cab driver: I can't take anymore of this!!
Benson: I have more. Burt was told that there was a major drug deal going on. He looked around and realized it was a trick by his enemies who were trying to kill him. He tricked them and arrested them.
Cab driver: So, he's not that bad.
Benson: Before he became sherriff, he thought he could make himself invisible and then claimed he saw a space ship.
Cab driver: I spoke too soon.
Benson: Oh yes, this family is a handful.
(Cab driver stops)
Cab driver: Well, here you are. Tate home.
Benson: Thanks.
Cab driver: You sure you want to go in?
Benson: I guess.
Cab driver: Good luck.
Benson: Thanks.
(Benson pays the cab driver and leaves).
Cab driver: Come on, no family can be that bad...
(Footage from the old show is rolled)
Cab driver: Maybe it can...
Will Jessica return home safely? Will Chester get out of the mental institution? Will Jodie ever snap out of being an old Jewish man? What will Benson find when he enters the Tate home? Will he call the cab driver back and get out of there as fast as he can? Or will he take up some life insurance? These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of:
SOAP