Soap Online - Episode 10

Announcer: In the last episode of Soap,
Jodie told Wendy that Charlie is cheating
He didn't tell her he wanted to give him a beating
Wendy thought that Jodie was lying
And then she went upstairs crying.
Dutch and Corinne are sneaking around
Something that Eunice almost found
But Dutch and Corinne were clever
Corinne hid in the refrigerator, which wasn't the most comfortable thing ever.
Chester and El Puerco had a duel
But Chester's no fool
He beat El Puerco just like that
He used a sword, not a bat.
Burt wanted to run for senator
But he had a problem which hung over him like a predator
His friends told him to leave his relatives
But Burt told them that idea was negative.
Benson and Saunders are having a fight
To which there's no end in sight
A butler is what each of them wants to be
Which of them will win is what we want to see.
And the aliens decided to send Saul down to Earth
And bring Scotty to them, for all he's worth.

Conufsed? Don't sit around and mope
Just stay tuned for this episode of SOAP

This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells. And this is SOAP.

Scene 1: Courthouse. Annie and Mr. Mallu are seated on one side, and Mr. Franklin and Chester are seated on the other.

Mallu: Now remember Annie, just let me do all the talking, and you'll get a bundle.

Annie: Why is this case so important to you?

Mallu: For two reasons. One, when you win, you'll FINALLY pay me the bundle I charge.

Annie: What's the second reason?

Mallu: Finally I'll show those Tates what I'm worth.

Mr. Franklin (who overheard the last part): He's not worth much.

Mallu: More than you.

Franklin: Be quiet, you insect.

Mallu: YOU be quiet, you mammal.

Franklin: Ladybug!

Mallu: Dolphin!

Mallu and Franklin start fighting and shouting at each other. The bailiff walks in.

Bailiff: Hey, you two. Knock it off.

Mallu and Franklin stop fighting.

Mallu: Terribly sorry.

Franklin: Me too.

Bailiff: Everyone rise!

Everyone gets up.

Bailiff: Court is now in session. The honorable judge Dave Mckinley presiding.

The judge enters the room.

Bailiff: Everyone please be seated.

Everyone sits down. The judge takes his place.

Judge: E. Ronald Mallu?

Mallu: Oh god.

Annie: What's wrong? What's wrong?

Mallu: That's judge Mckinley.

Annie: I know.

Mallu: We're in BIG trouble.

Judge: Boy, I remember you, Mallu. 1983, the Olson case. I was still a lawyer back then. Of course that case ruined my career.

Mallu: I'm really sorry, your honor.

Judge: Yeah, I had that one in the palm of my hand. The man was seen by 50 people killing his ex-wife. I had him nailed to the wall, and then you brought in that witness. The jury of course believed him, since he was mute.

Annie: He was MUTE?

Judge: Deaf too. They felt sorry for him, so they let Olson go. I was so embarrassed I couldn't leave my house for months. I almost went crazy.

Mallu: I'm really sorry, your honor.

Judge: Oh, it's not a big deal. I make much more money being a judge. Alright, let's begin this hearing. (spying Franklin) Mr Franklin, is that you??

Franklin: Oh god, he saw me.

Chester: What?

Franklin: We're not on very good terms.

Chester: Why? Was your witness blind and in a wheelchair?

Franklin: How did you know?

Judge: Oh boy, Franklin, I've wanted to get you for years. Now's my chance. Begin the proceedings, Mallu.

Mallu: Your honor, my client, Annie Tate, would like to divorce her husband, Chester Tate.

Judge: Why?

Annie: Just look at him, isn't that a good enough reason?

Chester: You don't look so good either.

Annie: Better than you.

Chester and Annie begin shouting at each other.

Judge: Enough!!

Chester and Annie stop.

Judge: Now, Mrs. Tate, I realize you're upset, but this is a courtroom.

Annie: I'm sorry, your honor.

Judge: Now, Mr. Mallu, go on.

Mallu: Your honor, my client is stating that Mr. Tate treated her miserably. Not to mention that he tried to kill her.

Judge: Nice friendly guy.

Mallu: I have witnesses who will testify to the fact that Mr. Tate treated my client like yesterday's trash.

Judge: May we please see them?

Mallu: Sure. I'd like to call Jessica Tate to the stand.

Jessica walks into the courtroom.

Chester: Jess? You're testifying AGAINST me?

Jessica (after thinking for a moment): Well....yes.

Jessica goes on the stand.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Jessica: My dear man, do I look like someone who would lie?

Bailiff: Well, no, but I need you to hear the answer.

Jessica: OK.

Bailiff: Well, what's the answer?

Jessica: I'm sorry, I seem to have forgotten the question.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Jessica: Oh, that question.

Bailiff: So what's the answer?

Jessica: What's the answer to what?

The bailiff turns red.

Bailiff (shouting): Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Jessica: Of course I do. You don't have to shout.

Bailiff walks back to where he stands, upset.

Jessica (to Judge): You really need to get a more friendly bailiff.

Judge: Mrs. Tate...Mallu, go on.

Mallu: Hello, Mrs. Tate.

Jessica: Hello, Mr. Mallu

Mallu: How are you?

Jessica: Fine.

Mallu: How's the family?

Jessica: They're fine.

Mallu: The house is alright?

Jessica: Yes, it is.

Judge: Mr. Mallu, are you going to get to the point, or are you going to invite her for lunch?

Mallu: Terribly sorry, your honor. Now, Mrs. Tate, state your relationship to Mr. Tate.

Jessica: I'm his ex-wife.

Mallu: Why did you two split up?

Jessica: Do I really have to say why?

Mallu: That would be preferred.

Jessica: Because Chester was carrying on with more women than King Solomon.

Mallu: I see....so, Mr. Tate treated you lousily?

Jessica: Yes.

Mallu: He treated his first wife lousy. As he did to his second wife.

Franklin gets up.

Franklin: I object, your honor. Mr. Mallu is trying to form a pattern of behavior. We don't do that in divorce cases.

Judge: Sustained. Mr. Mallu, please get to the point before I turn 80. Mr. Franklin, please sit down.

Franklin (to Mallu): Take that, fly brain.

Mallu: Shut up, you fat dolphin face.

Judge: Enough! Order in the court! Mr. Mallu, please finish questioning the witness. Divorce cases aren't supposed to go on for hours. If you don't finish soon, I'm going to have to dismiss the case.

Mallu: Why?

Judge: Because what you're doing here is making a mockery of our judicial system....that and I'm hungry, I want to go for lunch.

Mallu: I'm sorry, your honor. I'll get to the point...Mrs. Tate, during the time of the marriage between Annie and Chester Tate did you see any mistreating on Mr. Tate's part?

Jessica: Yes. He treated her no better than he treated me.

Mallu: Thank you. No further questions.

Judge: You may step down.

Jessica steps down.

Judge: Court is adjourned until tomorrow at 9:00 a.m.

Franklin: But your honor, don't I get to cross-examine the witness?

Judge: You can do that tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. Right now I'm too hungry.

Franklin: But you can't do that.

Judge: I can do anything I want. I'm the judge, damnit!

Judge gets up to leave.

Bailiff: All rise!

Judge and Bailiff leave.

Mallu (to Annie): So, how was I? Was I great or what?

Annie: Yes you were. But the judge hates you...

Mallu: I know, but he hates Franklin more.

Annie: Jessica DID help me.

Mallu: Of course she did. This is perfect.

Annie: What is?

Mallu: This case. You'll get a bunch of dough from Chester, you'll pay me off, I'll be rich, Chester will have nothing so he'll have to leave Jessica, and then I'LL get her.....I LOVE this case!!!

Annie: Glad you're enjoying yourself.

Mallu: Oh, I am. Ha ha ha ha (to Franklin) Have fun, pea-brain!

Mallu leaves the courtroom.

Franklin (to Chester): Don't worry. Tomorrow I'll prove your ex-wife's testimony useless.

Chester: How?

Franklin: Oh, trade secret. Don't worry....you won't lose anything. See you tomorrow.

Chester: Thanks for your help.

Franklin: Oh, it's no problem. I just HAVE to beat Mallu once in my lifetime...

Franklin leaves. Chester walks up to Annie.

Chester: Annie, why are you doing this?

Annie: Because you're a terrible man.

Chester: I didn't treat you THAT badly.

Annie: No. You just left me and tried to kill me. Not to mention that you were in love with Jessica the whole time. Do you think I'm a fool?

Chester: Where's Danny? Didn't he come with you?

Annie: We broke up.

Chester: Awww...couldn't keep him, either?

Annie: Shut up, Chester.

Annie leaves the courtroom.

Chester: She's hiding something. I know it. I can't lose this case. I NEED to get Jessica back. She won't take me back if I have no money....I'll follow Annie. I'll find out what she's up to.

Chester leaves the courtroom in the direction Annie went.

Scene 2: Charlie's hotel room. Charlie and Candy are there, kissing, when there's a knock on the door.

Charlie: Who is it?

Wendy: It's me, Wendy.

Candy: Wendy!

Charlie: You've gotta hide! Quickly!

Candy: Where??

Charlie: Under the lamp.

Candy: What???

Charlie: I did that the last time Wendy came to check up on me. Worked like a charm.

Wendy (from behind the door): Charlie! Open the door!

Charlie: Just a second! I'm just cleaning up here.

Charlie puts Candy under the lamp and opens the door.

Wendy: What took you so long?

Charlie: I told you, I was cleaning up. Didn't want you to walk into a messy room.

Wendy: Oh, I see.

Wendy walks around the room, looks behind the curtains, in the bathroom and under the bed.

Charlie: What are you doing, honey?

Wendy: Oh, nothing. Just checking if your cleaning is good.

Charlie: It's great. I've always cleaned great. When I was young, I always used to have a contest with my brothers who could have the cleanest room.

Wendy: Charlie, please.

Charlie: And the winner would get 5 dollars from my mom. I always won. Of course, I never got the 5 dollars since our mother ran off with the milkman when I was 6.

Wendy: Charlie, I really don't care....MILKMAN?

Charlie: We lived in a very primitive town.

Wendy: Charlie, why don't we go out anymore?

Charlie: What are you talking about? We went out last night, remember?

Wendy: You took me to your log conference. I was so bored, I almost fell asleep.

Charlie: It was business. I'm sorry, honey, but I've been really busy.

Wendy: Charlie, are you having an affair?

Charlie: Wendy....we've been through this. I told you, I could never cheat on you.

Wendy: Well, my dad told me he saw you and another woman the other day.

Charlie: Wendy, you know your father hates me. He'll say anything to make me look bad. You are the only woman for me.

Wendy: Oh, Charlie...

Wendy and Charlie hug. Suddenly the bottom of the lamp starts moving.

Wendy: Charlie?

Charlie: Yes?

Wendy: Your lamp is moving.

Charlie (walking up to the lamp): I know. It's defective. The wires got disconnected. Stupid thing.

Charlie hits the lamp and it stops moving.

Wendy walks up to the lamp and takes its head off, revealing Candy.

Wendy: I see...

Charlie: Wendy, this isn't what it seems.

Wendy: It isn't what it seems? You've got another woman in your hotel room, hiding under the lamp, and it's not what it seems?? My father was right all along. You ARE a creep.

Charlie: Wendy, she's the electrician. She came to fix the lamp.

Wendy: Oh, come on...That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Charlie: It's the truth.

Wendy: Charlie?

Charlie: Yes?

Wendy: Stop lying.

Charlie: Candy, will you excuse us?

Candy: Sure.

Candy leaves the room.

Wendy sees a bottle of wine on the table.

Wendy: Were you planning a party?

Charlie: Just wanted to celebrate life, so I ordered a bottle of wine.

Wendy: Why do you have two glasses then?

Charlie: OK, Wendy, I have to confess something, but please don't get mad or hit me or anything like that.

Wendy: OK. I won't.

Charlie: I did lie. I was having an affair with Candy. But it only happened once before, and I swear it'll never happen. Will you forgive me?

Wendy thinks for a moment, then takes the bottle of wine and spills it all over Charlie. Charlie is left soaking.

Charlie: I thought you said you wouldn't do that.

Wendy: I lied.

Wendy starts to leave.

Wendy: By the way, we're through. Goodbye.

Audience cheers as Wendy walks out the door.

Scene 3: Pub. Burt is sitting at the bar, when Danny walks in.

Danny: Burt!

Burt: Hey Danny.

Danny sits down next to Burt.

Danny: Thanks for meeting me here.

Burt: My pleasure.

Danny: I'll have a scotch on the rocks, please.

Burt: I'll have a soda.

Danny: Not drinking?

Burt: I can't drink. I'm a politician....well, I used to be anyways.

Danny: I'm sorry, Burt. About you losing your job.

Burt: Well, those guys have connections. Not only did I not become senator, I also lost the Lieutenant Governor job.

Danny: It's not so bad, Burt.

Burt: Danny, how can it be any worse?

Danny: You could be dead.

Burt: Danny, you're not being any help.

Danny: Sorry. I can't think straight when I'm depressed.

Burt: Oh, you depressed about the breakup with Annie?

Danny: Well....yeah.

Burt: Danny, is there something you're not telling me here?

Danny: Are you kidding, Burt? I'm telling you everything.

Burt: You sure?

Danny: Yeah.

Burt: Because you looked like you were hiding something.

Danny: I'm not hiding anything.

Burt: OK.

Danny: Annie and I didn't break up!!

Burt who had just taken a sip of soda, spits out and makes a mess.

Burt: What?? Danny, I thought you said you broke up with there.

Danny: It's just a front. We're seeing each other in private.

Burt: If Chester ever finds out about this, you'll be in big trouble.

Danny: I know...which is why you've gotta promise me you'll never tell a soul.

Burt: Well, I don't know...

Danny: Burt, please...

Burt: OK. Your secret is safe with me.

Danny: Thanks Burt.

Burt: You know, this does explain why you've been disappearing every night these past few days. Danny, you look completely worn out.

Danny: I know. All this sneaking around is wearing me out.

Burt: Then stop. Be honest, don't lie to the system.

Danny: But I love her, Burt.

Burt: It's too dangerous, Danny. You need to stop this insanity.

Danny: You're right. You're absolutely right.

Danny gets up.

Burt: Where are you going?

Danny: To see Annie. If I'm going to break up with her, I need to do it after we....you know. She's in a better mood then.

Burt: Danny...

Danny: See ya.

Danny leaves. Burt shakes his head and then continues to drink his soda.

Scene 4: Tate dining room. Jessica, Billy, Eunice, Dutch and Corinne are sitting around the table eating.

Jessica: Wow, it's been a while since we've all had dinner together. How's everyone doing?

Billy: Great.

Eunice: Terrific.

Corinne: Couldn't be better.

Jessica: What about you, Dutch?

Dutch: I'm a little tired.

Corinne (mumbling): No wonder.

Benson and Saunders walk in from the kitchen.

Jessica: Everyone, wasn't the dinner that Saunders and Benson cooked fabulous?

Everyone: Yes.

Benson: You mean, MY part was great.

Saunders: If you want to throw up, it was.

Benson: Shut up.

Saunders: YOU shut up.

Jessica: Come on now! Please, both of you, I need to talk with you after dinner.

Saunders: Why?

Jessica: Well it's an important thing we need to discuss. I want the entire family to be there too. OK, everyone?

Everyone: OK.

Benson: I'll go get dessert.

Saunders: Oh, don't bother.

Benson: Why not?

Benson smells something.

Benson: Oh no! Something's burning! My dessert is burning!!

Benson runs into the kitchen, and Saunders follows, laughing.

Billy: Are you alright, ma?

Jessica: Yes, I am. Why wouldn't I be?

Corinne: Well ma, El Puerco left you.

Eunice: Yeah, and you've got Daddy sleeping on the couch, being awfully annoying.

Dutch: Not to mention that he's about to lose all his money.

Billy: And Benson and Saunders are tearing the house down.

Jessica: No, they're not.

A loud crash comes from the kitchen.

Jessica: OK, maybe they are. Come on, everybody, clear your plates and let's head into the living room.

Scene shifts to the Tate living room. Everyone is seated, except Benson and Saunders, who are standing.

Billy: OK, ma. We're all here. Go ahead.

Jessica: Well, it's just that money has been a little tight around here lately, and I'm having trouble paying all the bills and everything. One of my problems is having two butlers here.

Saunders: Aw, then I guess Benson here will have to leave.

Jessica: Wait a minute. I like both of you, I don't want either of you to leave...but I'm afraid one of you has to.

Saunders and Benson point at each other.

Jessica: Now, boys, please don't fight. We just have to find a democratic way of doing this.

Benson: Why don't I just kill him?

Saunders: Good luck. I'm an expert in self-defence.

Benson: Too bad you're not an expert in cooking, otherwise people wouldn't die from your food.

Jessica: Benson, Saunders, please...

Billy: I've got it!

Jessica: What.

Billy: I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10.

Benson: Oh, come on, this is no way to settle this.

Saunders: Why not? Afraid to lose?

Benson: You don't want to do this.

Saunders: Yes I do.

Benson: You sure?

Saunders: Yes.

Jessica: Oh, come on, Benson. Let's do it and get it over with.

Dutch: Yeah, I need to get to bed. I have a lot of work to do.

Corinne: You can say that again.

Benson: OK. Saunders, you go first.

Saunders: 3.

Billy: OK, it's your turn, Benson.

Benson thinks hard.

Benson: It's....um....um....7!

Billy: Yes it is! It was 7! Benson guessed the number exactly!

Saunders: What???

Benson: Did I mention that I have this ability to read minds? Well, it only comes up every so often, but it worked this time! Eat your heart out, loser.

Everyone but Jessica jumps on Benson and welcomes him back.

Jessica: Everyone! Be civil! Saunders, I'm sorry.

Saunders: It's ok, Mrs. Tate. I'll go pack now....But let me assure you, Benson, I WILL be back. And I'll fight you every inch of the way, until I get my job back. You WILL suffer.

Everyone stares at Saunders, shocked.

Saunders: Have a nice day, everyone.

Scene 5: Bar in Dunn's River. Scotty and two friends are sitting at the bar, having fun.

Scotty: ...and then the guy told me, do you want to buy 2 of them? And of course I said no.

Everyone laughs, since they're all drunk.

Bartender: Scotty Campbell? You have a telephone call.

Scotty: Thank god.

Scotty gets up and goes to the other side of the bar, where the bartender gives him the telephone.

Bartender: Boy, you sure can tell a joke. They're all laughing really hard.

Scotty looks at him like he's insane.

Scotty: Those guys are drunk. They'll laugh at ANYTHING I tell them. Anyways, I'd better take this.

Scotty puts the phone to his ear.

Scotty: Hello?...Hi, dad.....What?.....I don't understand anything, talk slower.....what?....the plumbing is bad?...You want me to help you fix it? Wouldn't it be easier to hire a plumber?....what?....OK, I'll come home....see ya, dad.

Scotty hangs up the phone.

Scotty: I've gotta leave now.

Bartender: What a shame....can you take your drunk friends with you?

Scotty: Sorry.

Scotty leaves the bar and goes outside. He tries to get a cab.

Scotty: Gee, you can't even get a cab in this town. I guess I'll call my dad and ask him to drive me. I mean, it is HIS fault I'm stuck here.

Scotty goes to the payphone to call Burt, when suddenly a hand is clamped over his mouth and he's grabbed.

Announcer: Will Annie win the divorce case? Will Chester win? Since the judge hates both Mallu and Franklin, does anyone have a chance of winning? What will Chester find when he follows Annie? Now that Benson is the Tate butler, what will he do? What will Saunders do? What will the Tates do? Now that Charlie is out of her life, what will Wendy do? Will Burt find a new job? And what has happened to Scotty? Who grabbed him? These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of:

SOAP