This episode is dedicated to Richard Mulligan, for years of entertainment and great acting. RIP, Richard.
|This is the story of two sisters, Jessica
Tate and Mary Campbell. These are the Tates, and these
are the Campbells. And this is SOAP.
Scene 1: Campbell kitchen. Burt walks in and sits down.
Burt: Boy, I have nothing left to live for. Look at the mess this family's in: I've lost my job, Danny's sneaking around with his stepmother, Jodie's unsure whether he's gay or straight, Chuck talks to a doll, Wendy lost her boyfriend, and Scotty's disappeared...What kind of life is that? I might as well end it all right here.
Burt looks around and takes a knife out, when suddenly he hears a woman's voice behind him.
Woman: Burt, stop it!
Burt turns around, surprised, and sees Mary there.
Burt: Mary! Is that really you?
Mary: Yes, it is.
Burt: I'm dreaming...That's it. I'm dreaming....OK, Burt, wake up now! Nap time is over!
Mary: Burt, you're not dreaming.
Burt: But, Mary...you're dead.
Mary: I know that.
Burt: So how come you're here?
Mary: I took a vacation.
Burt: Well, Mary, it's nice to see you again, but I'm a little busy right now, so...
Mary: Burt, you can't kill yourself.
Burt: Oh yeah? Says who?
Mary: Me. You can't kill yourself.
Burt: I have no reason left to live.
Mary: Oh, Burt...you're so stupid...
Burt: Oh, great, Mary. You've been here for less than 2 minutes, you're already insulting me.
Mary: Burt, you don't want to stab yourself. It'll be painful.
Burt: Sure I do. I can handle pain.
Mary: Burt...I'm here to stop you from killing yourself.
Burt: Well, you're doing a lousy job.
Mary: Burt, put the knife away.
Burt: Mary, you've had effect on me in the past, but not anymore. I'll see you up there soon, ok?
Burt gets ready to stab himself with the knife, when Mary jumps up and knocks the knife out of his hand. Burt stands there, astonished.
Burt: Wow, for a dead woman, you sure are strong.
Mary: I've been exercising up there.
Burt: Exercise? You?
Mary: It's not like I have anything better to do.
Burt: Well, that's nice, Mary, but I'd like to kill myself before I die...So, if you'll excuse me...
Mary: Burt, you can't let a few problems get you down.
Burt: It's more than a few problems. This family's a mess.
Mary: Burt, you're the glue that holds them together. You can't kill yourself. How will they function?
Burt is silent for a moment.
Burt: So I shouldn't do it?
Burt: Oh come on, they don't need me anymore. They've all got their own lives. Why do they need an old guy like me who can't even solve their problems?
Mary: Burt, you don't need to solve their problems. You just need to be here for them. You've been through so much already, these problems are nothing.
Burt: I haven't been through THAT much.
Mary: Oh yeah? Think of everything you've been through while you married to me.
Burt: Like what?
Mary: Remember when you were impotent?
Burt: That never happened....I always did it, and I always did it well.
Mary: Oh, really, Burt?
Flashback to Mary showing Burt "The Cookbook of Sex", since he doesn't want to make love to her.
Burt: OK, so I was impotent once....But I had a good reason.
Flashback to Burt telling Dr. Medlow about killing Johnny Dallas.
Burt: See? I got cured.
Mary: Do you remember what happened afterwards?
Burt: Nothing happened. I was normal.
Flashback to Burt and Mary in the bathtub, and him telling her he can become invisible.
Burt: A little insanity. Nothing compared to these problems.
Mary: Oh yeah? How about the time when you told me what you did?
Flashback to Burt telling Mary in the institution that he killed her first husband.
Burt: Wow, we DID have some rough times.
Mary: Ha! That was just one year.
Burt: Get outta here. All of that must've taken at least 3 years.
Mary: In any other normal family, maybe, but not in ours. And I thought that year was bad. It got worse.
Flashback to Sally trying to seduce Burt in the construction office.
Burt looks thoughtful.
Burt: Oh, Sally. I remember her. I wonder what ever happened to her.
Burt: Oh yeah? I had the problem that year. You were cheating on me!
Mary: Burt, do you want to know what really happened?
Flashback to Mary being attacked by her professor, and her kicking him out of the house.
Mary: That's what happened. He attacked me!
Burt: And what did I do when I saw that? Oh yeah....I remember.
Flashback to Burt spending the night in Sally's apartment.
Flashback to Sally telling Mary that Burt's been having an affair with her, an 18 year-old, and an old fat woman.
Burt: I remember that. You moved out of the house and in with the Tates.
Flashback to Burt visiting Mary at the Tate house, and Mary throwing everything in the room at him.
Burt: Boy, that was a rough time for me.
Mary: A rough time for you? How do you think I felt??
Burt: Not as bad as me.
Mary: Oh yeah?
Burt: Yeah. I was the one who was being accused of something I didn't do.
Mary: Yeah, but I was the one who was told you were doing something you didn't do, and I was the one who thought you were doing something you didn't do, and that's why I did what I did.
Burt looks confused.
Burt: Whatever you say, Mary. But if you think that situation was bad for you, you can imagine how I felt.
Flashback to Burt visiting Sally to get the truth out of her, and finding out Ingrid Svenson had been blackmailing Sally.
Flashback to Sally telling Mary she had lied, and Burt and Mary's reunion.
Burt: So we got back together. See, that wasn't too bad. Not compared to what's happening now.
Mary: Burt, you really have a lousy memory.
Mary: Are you forgetting what happened after that incident?
Burt: What happened?
Flashback to Burt seeing the UFO when he and Danny were looking for Elaine's kidnappers.
Flashback to Burt telling Mary he saw a UFO, and Mary thinking he's crazy.
Flashback to Burt being kidnapped by the UFO.
Burt: See? I wasn't crazy. I really did see a flying saucer. And I really suffered that time.
Flashback to Burt and Saul trying to beam off the alien ship, and their various encounters.
Mary: Ha!! You think you had it bad? I was the one suffering.
Flashback to various incidents with Alien Burt.
Mary: That fake you was nuts. Absolutely nuts.
Burt: Was he?
Mary: Yeah he was....but sex with him was sure great?
Burt: Wasn't it great with me?
Mary: Huh?....Of course it was, Burt.
Burt: I knew it. I'm the king when it comes to sex.
Mary: More like heir to the throne.
Burt doesn't seem to notice Mary's last line.
Burt: You think you had it bad? I was the grand sufferer after the alien incident.
Flashback to the doctor telling Burt he was dying.
Flashback to Burt's various attempts to set a world record.
Burt: THAT was suffering. Thinking I was dying, the thought of not seeing our unborn baby, that was torture.
Mary: That was not torture just to you. It was to me too.
Burt: How?? You didn't even know about it.
Mary: Come on, Burt, here you were acting strange, trying to set world records and other crazy things. What was I supposed to think?
Burt: Good point. So, OK, you proved your point. We've had some rough times. I still say this is nothing compared to what's going on now.
Mary: I'm not done yet.
Flashback to Burt's announcement that he's running for sherriff.
Flashback to Mary being worried when Burt tries to talk the old sherriff into giving up his office.
Mary: Do you have any idea what a scare you gave me?
Burt: Oh, that was a great time. I loved being sherriff....Except for one time.
Flashback to Burt and Danny's encounter with Tibbs.
Flashback to the pictures of Burt and Danny with the six naked ladies showing up in the newspaper, and Danny's shooting.
Mary: Oh god, please don't remind me of Danny's shooting.
Flashback to Mary telling Jodie he and Danny had different father, and therefore Jodie can't give Danny a kidney.
Flashback to Mary telling Chester that he's Danny's real father.
Flashback to Mary and Jessica's fight when Mary told her the truth.
Burt: Come on, Mary, it all worked out for the best.
Flashback to Burt taking down Tibbs and his gang.
Flashback to Burt's fame following the Tibbs incident.
Burt: Wasn't that a great time, Mary?
Mary: Oh yeah, great.
Flashback to Mary's drinking problem.
Flashback to Burt and Mary's fight the night the governor visited their house.
Flashback to Burt not believing Mary the baby can fly.
Burt: Wow, that WAS bad.
Scene 2: Campbell kitchen. Mary and Burt sitting around the table, in progress.
Burt: Boy, we had a busy life.
Mary: What an understatement.
Burt: I can't believe everything we've been through.
Mary: I know.
Burt: Boy, thinking of all of that, makes me think that my current problems are nothing.
Mary: You see?
Burt: And you said I should commit suicide. Mary, what were you thinking?
Burt: Yeah, you. Why did you come here in the first place? To convince me to commit suicide? I'm not killing myself, the family needs me.
Mary: So you're NOT killing yourself?
Burt: No way!
Mary: Then what the heck did I waste my time for?
Burt: You made me realize that I'm important, and that I'm needed.
Mary: Oh, Burt! Welcome back!
Burt: Boy, am I happy.
Mary: Well, I'd better get going.
Burt: Can't you stay just a little longer?
Mary: I can't. I've got an appointment with Elvis at 2:30.
Mary gets up from the table. Burt gets up.
Burt: I hope I can do this without you.
Mary: You can, Burt. And if you're ever in doubt, look back at your life and you'll see that you can.
Mary: I've gotta go....goodbye, Burt.
Burt: Goodbye, Mary. I love you. I always will.
Mary: I know. I love you too.
Mary stands at the doorway of the kitchen. A white light immerses her, and she disappears.
Burt picks up the knife and puts it back in the drawer.
Burt: Thanks, Mary.
Burt turns off the lights and leaves the kitchen.
Richard Mulligan, 1932-2000
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