Soap Online - Episode 13

Announcer: In the last episode of Soap, Eunice found Corinne and Dutch in bed together, and found this very nauseating. The next morning, Eunice found out that Dutch had run out on her, and she and Corinne decided to find him. Chester found out that Danny and Annie have been sneaking around, and if he uses that information in court, Annie might find herself very short of cash. Jodie and Maggie found that Jodie's family keeps interrupting their date. Benson's breakfast exploded, and he found a note from Saunders threatening him. And Scotty found himself aboard an alien spaceship, which he found very strange. Scotty then found out that an alien is his father, and that he can't leave the ship.

Want to find out more? Just stay tuned for this episode of SOAP

This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells. And this is SOAP.

Scene 1: Courthouse. Chester and Mr. Franklin on one side, and Annie and Mallu are on the other.

Franklin: Now don't worry, Mr. Tate. You just leave everything to me.

Chester: Good. I'm counting on you.

Franklin (smiling): I can't wait to win. Finally, I'll make a fool out of Mallu.

Scene shifts to Mallu and Annie.

Mallu: Look at Franklin, he's glowing. I can't stand it when they glow. I hate glowing. God, I hate him.

Annie: Mr. Mallu, why don't you calm down?

Mallu: Franklin knows something. I can tell.

Annie: What can he possibly know?

Mallu: I don't know. But all I know is that I can't lose this case. I just can't.

Bailiff walks in.

Bailiff: All rise, court is now in session. The honorable judge Dave Mckinley presides.

Judge walks in.

Judge: You may be seated.

Everyone sits down.

Judge: Mr. Mallu, you may proceed. Make it short this time.

Mallu: No problem, your honor.

Judge: There IS a problem.

Mallu: Really? What's that?

Judge: You. I can't stand you.

Mallu: I'll try to overlook that. I call Annie Tate to the stand.

Annie walks onto the stand.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Annie: Yes.

Bailiff: Good.

Bailiff walks back to his spot.

Mallu: Mrs. Tate, let me get to the point. Describe what happened to you the day you married Chester Tate.

Annie: OK. We came into the Tate house, everyone was having breakfast, and Chester and I had announced that we'd gotten married.

Mallu: Then what happened?

Annie: Well, Chester found out that El Puerco and Jessica had slept together, and he went crazy.

Mallu: You're kidding!!

Annie: No.

Mallu: Jessica slept with El Puerco?

Annie: Yes.

Mallu: That communist dog!! I'm going to kill him! Impurifying Jessica like that...I'll find him and I'll kill him.

Judge: Mallu....

Mallu: Terribly sorry....Mrs. Tate, what happened after Mr. Tate went crazy?

Annie: He...he...

Mallu: It's ok...you can tell me...

Annie: He called me a slut.

Mallu: That's awful....absolutely awful!! Then what happened?

Annie: He ran off.

Mallu: Thank you. No further questions.

Judge: Franklin, it's your turn.

Franklin: Thank you, your honor. (to Annie) So you say, that my client walked out on you. Is that right?

Annie: Yes it is.

Franklin: So what did you do?

Annie: I went to the poolhouse and waited for him.

Franklin: And you waited really patiently too. You waited so patiently that you cheated on your husband with his own son!

Mallu: I object, your honor. Mr. Franklin, the so-called lawyer, is attacking my client.

Judge: So?

Mallu: So...I think that it's not a very nice thing to do.

Judge: Objection sustained. Mr. Franklin, please refrain from attacking the witness. You did that enough that time you were up against me. No wonder you won...God, how I hate you!!!!

Bailiff: Are you ok, your honor?

Judge: Just fine. (to Franklin) You may continue. (under his breath) Stupid man.

Franklin: As I was saying, Mrs. Tate, you had an affair with your stepson, is that right?

Annie: Well, not exactly...

Franklin: Answer the question, Mrs. Tate!

Annie: Yes.

Franklin: And this affair has been going on for years. It was this affair that made my client go crazy. It's all her fault!

Annie: Not true. I'm not saying Danny Dallas anymore.

Judge snores.

Bailiff: Your honor??

Judge wakes up.

Judge: Oh, sorry. Make your point, Franklin.

Franklin: The point is that Mrs. Tate here made my client go crazy and therefore she doesn't deserve anything from him. Not to mention that she's deceiving the court right at this moment.

Judge: Really? How?

Franklin takes something out of his pocket.

Franklin: Right here in my hand are 5 pictures of Mrs. Tate and Danny Dallas in bed together at a motel outside Dunn's River. These pictures were taken just last night.

Annie turns pale. Chester smiles.

Franklin: What's the matter, Mrs. Tate? Caught red-handed? (to Judge) You see, your honor? She lied. She said just a second ago that she wasn't seeing Danny Dallas anymore. These pictures are proof enough to show that she lied.

Judge: Let me see those.

Franklin gives the pictures to the judge. He flips through them, his mouth wide open.

Judge: Wow....this is incredible. (to Annie) Didn't lying in that position hurt you?

Annie doesn't answer.

Judge: Any more questions, Franklin?

Franklin: No, your honor.

Judge: You may step down.

Annie steps down.

Judge: I'm dismissing the court for today. We will reconvene at 9:30 tomorrow morning.

Bailiff: All rise!

Everyone rises. Judge gets up and leaves. Bailiff leaves after him.

Mallu: That was bad. Real bad.

Annie: I'm sorry.

Mallu: Sorry? You're sorry? We're going to lose. The first case I've ever lost!! And you feel sorry?? Well let me tell you, I'm the one that feels extremely sorry.

Scene shifts to Franklin and Chester.

Chester: That went really well.

Franklin: I know. What a terrific case. She doesn't stand a chance.

Chester: Thank you, Mr. Franklin.

Franklin: No problem. See you tomorrow, Mr. Tate.

Chester: Bye.

Franklin leaves. On the way he passes by Mallu.

Franklin: Eat your heart out. Ha ha ha ha!

Franklin leaves.

Annie: What are we going to do?

Mallu: I don't know. Tomorrow Franklin will probably put Chester on the stand. I'm going to have to come up with some good questions to prove him crazy. See you tomorrow.

Mallu leaves. Chester approaches Annie.

Chester: Hello, Annie.

Annie: You creep! Who took those pictures?? I want to know!!

Chester: Let's just say it was someone with a clear interest in helping me. See you tomorrow, Loser!

Chester leaves. Annie remains in the courthouse.

Scene 2: Alien spaceship. Scotty comes into Saul's room.

Scotty: Saul?

Saul: Hello, Scotty.

Scotty: I need your help.

Saul: You need MY help? How can I possibly help you?

Scotty: I'll tell you, but we need to whisper, otherwise they'll hear us.

Saul: OK

Scotty motions Saul to come closer to him.

Scotty (whispering): I need to help me escape.

Saul (in a loud voice): Escape??

Scotty: Shhh!!!

Saul (whispering): Oh, sorry. I tend to scream when I'm excited. And having been on this ship for 4000 years, you can imagine I don't get much excitement.

Scotty: I can imagine....but anyways, will you help me?

Saul: I'm sorry, but I can't.

Scotty: Why not?

Saul: I just can't.

Scotty: Yes, you can. Just distract them, and I'll beam myself off. That's all.

Saul: It's too dangerous.

Scotty: Why? What are you so afraid of?

Saul: Pain and death.

Scotty: Saul, you're 4000 years old. Who cares if you die?

Saul: Hey, I have feelings too.

Scotty: Sorry.

Saul: Anyway, I can't help you.

Scotty: Saul, please...

Saul: You heard what they said. The alien is your father. You have to obey him. And that means that you need to stay here.

Scotty: But...

Saul: I'm sorry, Scotty. I really am. But that's the way it has to be....Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take a nap.

Scotty: Now? It's 10 o'clock in the morning.

Saul: I'm 4000 years old. I need my sleep.

Saul goes to sleep. Scotty leaves the room, upset.

Scene 3: Tate living room. Chester, Jessica, Benson and Billy are in various positions in the living room.

Chester: I'm not going to enjoy this evening, Jess.

Jessica: Now Chester....the Campbells are family.

Chester: Unfortunately....Jess, every time they come here, they throw food all around.

Jessica: Come on Chester. It's all fun and games.

Chester: Is dinner ready yet?

Jessica: It should be soon. I'll check.

Chester: Why can't Benson check on it?

Jessica: Because, Chester, Benson is afraid to step into the kitchen, because he's scared Saunders will kill him.

Benson: That's right. And I ain't never going into the kitchen again, or upstairs for that matter.

Chester: Jessica....does this mean that you cooked dinner?

Jessica: No, I had it catered.

Chester breathes a sigh of relief.

Chester: Thank god.

Jessica: Billy, what are you doing?

Billy: Reading a book, ma. For school. It's fascinating.

Jessica: Good. Glad you're enjoying it.

The doorbell rings. Jessica looks at Benson.

Benson: You want me to get that?

Jessica: If you don't mind.

Benson: I ain't getting that.

Chester: Why not?

Benson: What if it's Saunders trying to kill me?

Chester: Benson, you're being ridiculous.

Benson: I am?

Chester: Very.

Benson: Fine. You get the door.

Doorbell rings again. Chester gets up and opens it. It's Burt, Jodie, and Wendy.

Burt: Hey, Chester, great to see you.

Chester: Hello, Burt.

Jessica: Hello, everyone. Come on in.

The Campbells come in.

Jessica: Can I get you anything to drink?

Burt: Scotch.

Jodie: Same for me.

Wendy: Me too.

Jessica bring three scotches and gives them to the Campbells.

Jessica: So, what's new?

Burt: Well, I'm out of a job.

Jessica: How nice.

Jodie: And I'm going out with a woman.

Jessica: Really?

Burt: Yes. Isn't it wonderful? Jodie's normal.

Everyone claps.

Jessica: So, Wendy, how are you doing?

Wendy: Fine....never been better....Tomorrow I'll jump off a 20-storey building.

Jodie: You'll have to excuse Wendy. She just broke up with her boyfriend, and she's a little depressed.

Wendy: I am NOT depressed. (to Chester) If I jump off your roof, what are the chances that I'll die?

Jodie: Wendy...

Wendy: It was worth a shot.

Burt: So, what's new with all of you?

Jessica: Oh, not much. Saunders is trying to kill Benson, Dutch ran off on Corinne and Eunice, and they both went looking for him. We haven't heard from them in days....But other than that, it's been kinda slow around here.

Burt: Nice family....how are you, Chester?

Chester: Oh, fine. Just fine. How come Danny didn't come with you?

Burt: He doesn't want to see you.

Chester: Oh, really? I thought he'd be too busy running around with my wife.

Burt: Hey, watch it!

Chester: Stay out of this, Burt.

Burt: You be quiet, Chester.

Chester: Don't tell me to be quiet in my own house.

Burt: I'll say whatever I want.

Chester: Oh yeah?

Burt: Yeah.

Chester: That's it.

Chester takes Burt's drink and pours it on him.

Burt: Oh, you've really done it this time.

Burt goes into the kitchen and comes out with a pie. He tries to throw it at Chester, but misses and hits Billy.

Billy: Ahhhhhhh!!! My book!!!

Benson: I ain't cleaning that.

Doorbell rings. Jessica looks at Benson.

Benson: and I ain't getting that.

Billy: Oh, I'll do it for god's sakes.

Billy opens the door. It's Chuck and Bob.

Chuck: Hi, Billy.

Billy: Hi, Chuck.

Bob: Bill, I don't want to sound critical, but your eating habits are awful. You're supposed to put the pie IN your mouth, not all over your face.

Chuck and Bob walk into the living room.

Jessica: Hello, Chuck. Hello, Bob.

Bob: Hello. Sorry we're late, but we were at a game of Poker.

Chuck: Bob lost all our money. He's really lousy at Poker.

Bob: I'M lousy? You don't even know how to deal, you moron.

Chuck: Don't call me a moron.

Bob: Ok, I won't call you a moron....idiot.

Chuck: Hey...

Chuck and Bob start arguing with each other.

Chester: There really is something wrong with Chuck.

Burt: Ha! YOU were the one in the mental institution.

Chester: So were you.

Burt: Oh yeah...

Jessica: Alright! That's enough. Let's not fight. Let's talk about something cheerful.

Wendy: How deep is your pool??

Jessica: Why?

Wendy: If I jump in, what are the chances of me drowning?

Jodie: Wendy, come on...

Wendy: Well, I tried.

Doorbell rings. Jessica looks at Benson.

Benson: I don't think so. It could be Saunders.

Jessica: Oh, alright.

Jessica opens the door. It's Charlie.

Charlie: Hello, Mrs. Tate.

Jessica: Hello, Charlie.

Charlie: Is Wendy here?

Jessica: Yes. Come in.

Jessica leads Charlie into the living room.

Charlie: Wendy...

Wendy: Charlie? What are you doing here?

Charlie gets down on his knees.

Charlie: Oh, Wendy, please take me back! Please!!!

Wendy: OK.

Jodie: Hold it! Charlie, get outta here!

Charlie: I'm not leaving without Wendy.

Jodie: Over my dead body! Get out!

Charlie: No! You can't kick me out!

Jessica: Jodie, please, be civil. Charlie, you're welcome to stay and have dinner with us.

Charlie: Thanks, Mrs. Tate.

Jodie: But, Aunt Jessica...

Jessica: Now, Jodie, be nice. We have enough room for one more. Don't we Chester?

Chester: Whatever you say, Jess.

Charlie sits down next to Billy.

Charlie: Hey, what are you reading?

Billy: A book.

Charlie: Why do you have pie all over your face?

Billy: Because I got it thrown at me.

Charlie: I see. (spying Chuck and Bob) Hey guys! Long time no see!

Bob: Help! The lumberjack is here!!

Bob takes some mashed potatoes and throws them in Charlie's face.

Charlie: Alright that's it!

Charlie starts chasing Chuck and Bob around the room. Charlie trips and falls into the cranberry sauce, which spills all over Jessica.

Jessica: Charlie!

Charlie: Sorry, Mrs. Tate.

Chester: Jess, are you ok?

Jessica: I'm fine, Chester.

Chester (to Charlie): How dare you throw food around in my house, you lunatic! I'll show you!!

Chester tries to throw some soup at Charlie, but he ducks and it hits Jodie.

Jodie: Alright! I've had enough!

Jodie starts throwing bread around. It hits Wendy.

Wendy: Maybe this bread is poisoned. I'll eat it and die.

Charlie: Wendy, please take me back.

Wendy: No, I've changed my mind. I don't want you.

Wendy takes the wine and spills it on Charlie.

Wendy: Leave me alone!

Jodie: Exactly! Leave!

Charlie: No.

Charlie and Jodie throw some more food at each other. Everyone joins in and throws food all around the room, except Jessica and Benson.

Jessica: Everyone! Stop!!!

Everyone stops.

Jessica: Dinner is ready. Let's go into the dining room and eat it while they're still some food left.

Everyone goes into the dining room. The doorbell rings. Jessica looks at Benson.

Benson: No.

Jessica: Come on Benson, it hasn't been Saunders all those other times. He's not after you.

Benson: I suppose you're right. I'll get the door.

Benson leaves the dining room. Everyone starts eating when suddenly a loud noise is heard from the living room. Benson walks into the dining room, his clothes burnt, with a note in his hands. He hands it to Jessica.

Jessica (reading the note): Hello, Benson. Just an exploding surprise from me to you. Have a nice evening, and remember to watch out for yourself. Saunders.

Chester: What happened?

Benson: He planted a bomb at the door. When I opened it, BOOM!

Chester: Are you alright?

Benson: I'm fine....oh, by the way, you need a new door.

Benson leaves the dining room.

Charlie: I love this crazy family.

Scene 4: Alien spaceship. Beaming room. Scotty is in there.

Scotty: OK. I was a whiz at computers in school. All I have to figure out is which of these buttons operates the beamer. Then I'm outta here.

Scotty starts playing around with the buttons, when suddenly the door opens and the aliens walk in with Saul. Scotty jumps up, surprised.

Head Alien: Nice try, Scotty.

Scotty: How'd you know I was here?

The Head Alien looks at Saul.

Scotty: You told?

Saul: I'm sorry, Scotty.

Scotty: Please let me go!!! Please!!!

Head Alien: We have discussed it over, and we have made a decision.

Scotty: Yes?

Head Alien: We've decided to let you go.

Scotty starts cheering.

Scotty: Yes! Yes! Thank you!

Head Alien: Don't thank me. Thank him.

The Head Alien points at Scotty's "father", who starts jumping up and down.

Scotty: Thanks to all of you. When can I leave?

Head Alien: Right away. But there is one condition you have to meet.

Scotty: I'll do anything.

Head Alien: If you return to Earth, you'll lose your special powers.

Scotty: Lose my powers?

Head Alien: Yes.

Scotty: Aw, no. I loved those powers. I've had them for years. I love them.

Head Alien: I'm sorry. You must choose between your powers and going back to Earth.

Scotty: What should I do?

Saul: Are you insane? You're getting a choice between going home and keeping some stupid powers. Go home!

Scotty: You're right, Saul. I'll go home, and I'll give you my powers in return.

Head Alien: Step into the beamer.

Scotty steps into the beamer.

Scotty: Can't I just keep half of my powers?

Head Alien: No.

Scotty: It was worth a shot.

Head Alien: We'll beam you home shortly.

Scotty looks at Saul.

Scotty: Goodbye, Saul.

Saul: Goodbye, Scotty. I'm sorry about before.

Scotty: No biggie. You're ok, Saul. Anything you want me to say to my dad for you?

Saul: No....wait a minute.

Scotty: Yeah?

Saul hands something to Scotty.

Scotty: A watch?

Saul: Burt gave that to me 23 years ago when he was here. Now I'm returning it to him.

Scotty: Thanks, Saul....You sure you don't want to come with me?

Saul: Yeah, I'm sure. I kinda like it here. I get free entrance to the sauna.

Scotty: OK...Bye, Saul.

Saul: Bye.

Head Alien presses some buttons and Scotty disappears.

Announcer: Now that Danny and Annie have been exposed by Chester, what will they do? Now that Wendy has rejected Charlie, what will he do? What will Wendy do? What will Jodie do? Now that the door has exploded in his face, what will Benson do? Will he hide in the Tate house forever? And what will Scotty do now that he's been beamed back and lost his powers? These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of:

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