Announcer: In the last episode of Soap, Maggie unsuccessfully tried to get Jodie to marry her. Jodie, however, told Maggie that he'd like to keep their relationship going, and hopefully it'll be successful. Danny, who had been left by Annie, was pondering his unsuccessfulness with women, when Chester succeeded in convincing him to spend some time with him. Chester later succeeded in getting Jessica to go to dinner with him. Billy met Leslie again, and she successfully convinced him to go out with her, which means that Billy might succeed. Corinne and Eunice were unsuccessful in finding Dutch, but they did see Dutch's picture on TV, saying that he was a suspect of murder. That means Dutch has been a little unsuccessful.
Have we succeeded in confusing you? Don't worry, you won't be after this episode of SOAP.
This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells. And this is SOAP.
Scene 1: Campbell living room. Chuck and Bob are playing cards against Scotty.
Chuck: Do you have any 7's?
Scotty: Go fish!
Bob: He has 8's though.
Scotty: Bob...Stop telling him what cards I have!
Bob: Don't sit in a way where I can see your cards!
Scotty: Chuck, can you please get rid of Bob?
Bob: He can't. He won't know how to play otherwise.
Scotty: Whatever... (to Chuck) Do you have any Jacks?
Bob whispers something in Chuck's ear.
Chuck: Go fish! Do you have any 8's?
Scotty: Damn! I lost.
Bob: Ha ha ha!
Scotty: Alright, that's it!
Scotty starts chasing Chuck and Bob around the room. The front door opens and Wendy walks in.
Wendy: Hey! What's going on??
The chase stops.
Scotty: Bob was cheating in the card game.
Wendy: Scotty, he's a dummy.
Scotty: I know...but he's such an aggrevating one.
Bob: Hello, Wendy...Would like to come upstairs to my room?
Wendy: Chuck, why don't you and Bob go upstairs and play with my Barbies?
Chuck: What a good idea...
Bob: Gee, you're an idiot. Let's go upstairs, Chuck. These idiots are driving me crazy.
Chuck: I thought you liked Wendy.
Bob: That was when she was a baby. Now she's got a mouth.
Chuck and Bob leave the room.
Wendy: They're certainly...what's the word for it?
Wendy: Yeah, I guess that's it.
Scotty picks up the cards and puts them in the box. He sits down on the chair, and Wendy sits down on the couch.
Scotty: So, what's new with you?
Wendy: Oh, not much...I broke up with my boyfriend, my father is never home, and my life is pretty much over...other than that, I'm great....what's new with you?
Scotty: Not much...not much.
Wendy: I just feel like I have no one to talk to.
Scotty: Hey....what about me?
Wendy: I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to you.
Wendy: You're my uncle.
Scotty: No, I'm not...am I?
Wendy: Yes, you are.
Scotty: Wait a second, hold on...My father was married to my mother, who was your grandmother, and her son is your father. And I'm your father's half-brother. So that makes me...
Wendy: My uncle.
Scotty: Oh, yeah.
Wendy: Weird, isn't it?
Scotty: No, here's the weird part: I'm your uncle, but you're older than I am.
Wendy: This family is strange, no wonder our lineage is too.
Scotty: Well, I don't want you to think of me as your uncle...and PLEASE don't call me Uncle Scotty.
Wendy: OK. I won't.
Scotty: Good...so tell me what happened with Charlie.
Wendy: I caught him with another woman.
Scotty: Aw, Wendy, I'm sorry.
Wendy: It's no biggie. It always happens to me. I find a nice guy, I fall in love, he turns out to be a creep.
Scotty: Well, it's better than my life. I never get along with girls. They always say I'm too smart.
Wendy: That's too bad.
Scotty: You're telling me??
Wendy: I guess it's not the end of the world that I broke up with Charlie.
Scotty: Of course not. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
Wendy: No thanks. I hate seafood.
Scotty: Wow, you made me feel better.
Wendy: You made me feel better too.
Scotty: Good. Now, why don't you go upstairs and go to sleep. It'll look much better in the morning.
Wendy: Thanks, Scotty.
Wendy hugs Scotty.
Scotty: Hey, I know the people around here are a little crazy, but you can always talk to me.
Wendy: I know...thanks, UNCLE Scotty.
Wendy laughs and she and Scotty go upstairs.
Scene 2: Tate living room. Jessica walks down the stairs and sits down on the couch. Benson is there, sweeping.
Jessica: Hello, Benson.
Benson: Hi, Mrs. Tate.
Jessica: Where's Billy?
Benson: He's out. He didn't say where he was going.
Jessica: Oh...where's Chester?
Benson: I think he's in the poolhouse. (under his breath) hopefully drowning.
Jessica: It's so quiet around here.
Benson: For a change.
Doorbell rings. Jessica looks at Benson.
Benson: You know, it could be Saunders.
Jessica: Good point. I'll get it.
Jessica opens the door. It's Mallu.
Jessica: Hello, Mr. Mallu.
Mallu: Oh, Jessica...My sweet, darling Jessica. How I've missed you.
Jessica: That's nice. Would you like a drink?
Mallu: I can't drink or eat when I'm around or you.
Benson: Good. Stay here a few days, around her, and you'll die.
Mallu: Jessica, I'm in love with you. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I need you in my life. I need to hear your voice. I need to feel you. I need to be with you.
Benson: I need an aspirin.
Jessica: Mr. Mallu...
Mallu: Please, call me by my first name.
Jessica: OK....What IS your first name?
Mallu: Hmm, good question. My full name is E. Ronald Mallu, so my first name...
Benson: Begins with E?
Mallu: Yeah, that's right....Gee, what is it?
Benson: What did your mother use to call you?
Mallu: She used to say: "Hey fat boy, come here".
Jessica: How about I call you fatty?
Mallu: Mr. Mallu will be fine.
Mallu: Jessica, please, go out with me once. Just once, and I'll show you the real world.
Jessica: Oh, OK.
Jessica: It's only once.
Mallu: Yes! You've made me the happiest man in the world.
Benson: Why not? You're already the craziest.
The front door opens and Chester walks in.
Chester: Jess, I thought we'd...(seeing Mallu) Mallu, what the hell are you doing here?
Mallu: I'm going out with Jessica.
Jessica: That's right, Chester. We're going out.
Chester: Jess, what about me?
Jessica: You can go out too.
Chester: Jess, what about last night? We went out, remember?
Jessica: It was only dinner, Chester. We're divorced, remember?
Chester: Yes, but...
Jessica: Chester, I'd love to stay and chat, but we're leaving. Goodbye, Benson.
Benson: Bye, Mrs. Tate. Have a nice evening.
Jessica: Thanks, Benson. Let's go, Mallu.
Jessica opens the door and walks out.
Mallu (to Chester): Eat your heart out, loser!
Mallu leaves and closes the door.
Chester: Oh no, I've lost Jessica.
Benson: That's not the only thing you've lost.
Chester: Benson, what will I do?
Benson: Why don't you sit down and have a nice dinner, and then go back to your poolhouse and take it easy for a while?
Chester: Benson, that's a good idea. I'll go and have some dinner...Will you cook it for me?
Benson: Don't press your luck.
Benson leaves the room. Chester is left there. He sits down on the couch, and sighs.
Scene 3: Campbell kitchen. Burt enters, pours himself some coffee and sits down. Jodie enters the room and sits down at the table.
Jodie: Hey, Burt.
Burt: Hey. Coffee?
Jodie: No, thanks.
Burt: Boy, I love this type of coffee. I wonder how they make it so good.
Burt: Jodie, this isn't whatever. I can make a lot of money off of coffee. I'm going to have to start growing some coffee beans. Wouldn't that be a great idea Jodie?
Jodie: Yeah, great.
Burt: Jodie, I think you're not excited about this. Is something wrong?
Jodie: What makes you think there's something wrong?
Burt: You're grumpier than usual.
Jodie: Hey, I am NOT grumpy.
Burt: OK, would you like some coffee?
Jodie (shouting): NO!
Burt: That sounds a little grumpy to me.
Jodie: I'm sorry, Burt. It's just that I have a little problem.
Burt: What's wrong?
Jodie: Maggie wants me to marry her.
Burt: Well, have you...you know....with her?
Burt: Whoa!!! Yes!!!
Burt jumps up and hugs Jodie.
Burt: Finally! Finally! You're normal.
Jodie: Burt...It's not what you think.
Burt: I don't really care!!
Jodie: Burt...I feel awful.
Burt: Jodie, how can you feel awful after...you know?
Jodie: I don't know if I want to get married now. What if I'm still gay?
Burt: Jodie, you're not gay.
Jodie: Last night I wanted to ask this great looking guy out.
Burt: You're not gay.
Jodie: Burt, I need your help.
Burt: I don't think I can help you.
Jodie: Come on, Burt.
Burt: OK, here's what I think...I think that you can't like both guys and girls. Because that would mean you're a transsexual.
Burt: You know, someone who does....you know...with both guys and girls.
Jodie: That's bisexual, Burt.
Burt: Oh, yeah.
Jodie: So, what's wrong with that?
Burt: Think, Jodie, think. What are you going to do, have a threesome with Maggie and some other guy?
Burt: OK, OK, I'm sorry. But I'm sure you can't be...bisexual.
Jodie: It can happen.
Jodie whispers something in Burt's ear. Burt makes a disgusted, surprised face.
Jodie: You see? It can happen!
Burt: This is fascinating stuff!!
Burt: OK, I'm sorry.
Jodie: I have a real problem. I don't want to make a committment to Maggie until I'm absolutely sure that I'm not gay.
Burt: So what are you going to do? Go under hypnosis again?
Jodie: Of course not!
Burt: Then what?
Jodie: I don't know.
Burt: Jodie, come on, you're not gay. You're a perfectly...normal guy.
Jodie: You think so?
Jodie: So I should marry Maggie?
Burt: Well, you have to make that decision. Not me.
Jodie: You're right. I think I'll put off getting married for a while, until I'm absolutely sure that I want to get married.
Burt: That's the way to go!
Jodie: Thanks for the help, Burt.
Burt: I helped you?
Jodie: Well, not really. But thanks anyway.
Danny walks into the kitchen. He sits down, sighs and puts his head down.
Burt: Are you having a nice morning?
Danny looks up for a moment, and puts his head down again.
Jodie: Danny, come on. You can't be like this forever.
Danny: Yes, I can.
Burt: Danny, you have to face it. Annie's gone.
Danny: My heart's empty...absolutely empty. Every time I fall in love, something happens. Elaine got killed, Polly and Gwen left me, and now Annie. What's wrong with me??
Burt: Danny, there's nothing wrong with you. You're just going through a rough phase...a very long rough phase.
Danny: I'm never going to fall in love again. Never!
Jodie: Come on, Danny. Don't you like being in love? It's the greatest feeling ever.
Danny: Not for me it isn't. My life is just one big disappointment after another.
Burt: Danny, come on, why don't you go out, get yourself a nice job, and a nice girl, and then everything will be fine. And please make it a normal girlfriend this time.
Danny: What was wrong with my old girlfriends?
Burt: You want to tell him, Jodie?
Jodie: I think Burt means that Elaine was a mobster's daughter, Polly was black, Gwen was a hooker and Annie was your stepmother.
Burt: Yeah...you see?
Danny: OK. Where do I find a job?
Burt picks up a newspaper and starts reading it.
Burt: You can look at the classifieds, or you can ask friends, or...
Burt stops and stares at the paper.
Danny: What? What?
Burt: Check this out.
Jodie: What does it say?
Burt: Sherriff Jones is quitting.
Jodie: It's about time, too. He's lousy.
Burt: No, you don't get it. It says that applications for sherriff are being accepted as of today.
Danny: So what?
Burt: Think, Danny.
Danny: I can't.
Burt: I know that, but try anyway.
Danny thinks for a moment.
Danny: I don't understand.
Burt: Well, how about I run for sherriff again and if I win, you can be my deputy again.
Danny: Alright then! Let's do it.
Burt: That's the spirit. Let's go get an application!
Danny: Watch out, Dunn's River. Sherriff Burt is about to return, and where Sherriff Burt goes, Deputy Dan goes as well.
The audience cheers and claps as Burt and Danny leaves the room. Jodie is left in the kitchen, and he pours himself some coffee.
Jodie: Here we go again...
Scene 4: Leslie's apartment. Her bedroom is shown. The sheets stir and Billy sits up.
Billy: Oh my god!!
Leslie wakes up.
Billy: We didn't...tell me we didn't...
Leslie: We did...
Billy: Oh no!
Leslie: And you were absolutely wonderful.
Billy: Leslie...you're my teacher.
Leslie: That didn't stop you the last time.
Billy: Yeah, but Leslie...
Leslie: Oh, Billy, was I not great?
Billy: Sure you were, but...
Leslie: Billy, I love you. Don't you love me?
Leslie: Good. So you'll pick me up at 7?
Billy: I'm not so sure if that's a good idea.
Leslie: Oh, Billy, please...I have so many more things to show you. Last night was just the beginning...
Billy: 7 o'clock tonight it is!
The audience claps.
Leslie: Good....And now, you'd better get to class.
Billy: Good idea. See ya, Leslie.
Billy leaves the room. Leslie is left alone.
Leslie: Thank god I got Billy to bed so easily. Now that I have him wrapped around my finger, I can get him to do anything I want. I have to continue to seduce him, otherwise the plan will be ruined. And we can't have that. Can't we, Billy?
Hold on Leslie's smile. Fade to black.
Announcer: Now that Burt has decided to run for sherriff, will he win? Will Danny be deputy? If they do win, will the town ever be the same again? Will Jodie marry Maggie? Will he lead a double life with Maggie and another guy? Now that Jessica is going out with Mallu, will she continue to go out with Chester? And if she does, will she have the time of her life? What is Leslie's plan? And is Billy or anyone else ready to deal with her? These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of:
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