Announcer: In the last episode of Soap, Mallu made it clear that he'd like to go out with Jessica, and Jessica made a choice to agree. Chester made a face when he heard Jessica's choice, but no one made him feel better. Burt decided to run for sherriff again and make the town better. In order to make Danny feel better, Burt offered him to be deputy, which made Danny very happy. Billy and Leslie made something together, but Leslie is making up a mysterious plan behind Billy's back. Eunice and Corinne, who had finally made it to Texas to find Dutch, found out that Dutch had made his way to prison, being accused of murder. This makes spending time with Dutch very difficult for Corinne and Eunice.
Confused? You won't be after this episode of SOAP.
This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells. And this is SOAP.
Scene 1: Prison in Texas. Eunice walks into the visiting room.
Cop: 5 minutes. Remember, no yelling, no screaming, and no spitting. I just cleaned this room.
Eunice: I do NOT spit.
Cop: You'd be surprised...
Dutch walks up behind the glass. Eunice picks up the phone, and Dutch does too.
Eunice: Oh, Dutch!
Dutch: Eunice...Thank god you're here!
Eunice: Oh my god, Dutch, what happened?
Dutch: I don't know, Eunice. I don't know! I was staying at a motel here in town, when all of a sudden cops swarmed the place and arrested me for murder!
Eunice: Dutch...did you do it?
Dutch: Eunice...Of course not! I'm not a murderer.
Eunice: Actually, Dutch...
Dutch: That was ONCE, Eunice, ONCE!! I swear to you, I didn't do it!
Eunice: OK...OK, I believe you. Don't worry about a thing, we'll get you out of here. I'll get a good lawyer, and you'll be out of here before you know it.
Dutch: Thanks, Eunice. Thanks for believing in me.
Eunice: Of course I believe in you, honey.
Dutch: Thanks, Eunice. I love you.
Eunice: I love you, too.
Eunice: Yes, honey?
Dutch: Where's Corinne?
Eunice: She went to talk to the police commissioner about these charges.
Dutch: Tell her I love her, too.
Dutch: Eunice...Please do this one favor for me. I honestly love both you and Corinne.
Eunice: OK, OK, Dutch. I'll tell her.
Dutch: Thanks, sweetheart.
Cop approaches Eunice.
Cop: Time's up.
Cop walks away.
Dutch: Guess you'd better leave.
Dutch: Take care of yourself.
Eunice: You too...I'll be back soon.
Eunice leaves. Dutch is left behind the glass.
Scene 2: Tate living room. Chester, Jessica and Billy are there.
Billy: Dad, let me get this straight. Mr. Mallu is coming here to dinner?
Chester: That's right, Billy. And between you and me, I can't stand it!!
Billy: I know what you mean, Dad. He's so strange.
Jessica: Yes, Chester?
Chester: Must Mallu come to dinner here?
Jessica: Now, Chester, if you don't like it, you can go back to the poolhouse. Remember, you don't live here anymore.
Jessica goes out of the living room.
Billy: No luck?
Chester: Nope. But I WILL win...There's no way I'll let that idiot with a rug on his head get me.
Benson and Jessica walk out of the dining room.
Benson: Yes, I put the roast in the oven, Mrs. Tate. You have nothing to worry about. I just hope the roast doesn't explode.
The doorbell rings. Jessica looks at Benson.
Benson: You want me to get that?
Jessica: If you don't mind.
Benson: Well, I ain't gettin' that.
Chester: Why not?
Benson: Think, Mr. Tate.
Chester: Benson, you're being ridiculous. Saunders isn't trying to kill you.
Benson: Fine. You get the door.
Jessica: I'll do it.
Jessica opens the door. It's Mallu.
Jessica: Hello, Mr. Mallu.
Mallu: Oh, Jessica, Jessica, you're more beautiful than ever tonight.
Benson: Oh god, he's starting...
Jessica: Thanks, Mr. Mallu. Come on in.
Mallu walks inside.
Jessica: You remember my son Billy?
Mallu: Sure. Hi Billy.
Jessica: And you remember Chester?
Mallu looks at Chester with a look of hate.
Mallu: Hello, Tate.
Chester: Mallu...Good evening.
Mallu: Good evening to you too, Tate.
Chester: Good evening.
Billy: Good evening.
Jessica: Good Evening.
Chester: Good evening.
Benson: Good lord...
The doorbell rings. Jessica looks at Benson.
Benson: Yeah, right!!
Billy: I'll get it.
Billy opens the door. It's Burt and Danny.
Burt: Hey, Billy.
Billy: Hey, Uncle Burt. Hey, Danny.
Burt and Danny walk in to the house.
Burt: Hey, everyone, we have some great news.
Jessica: What is it, Burt?
Burt: I've decided to run for sherriff again.
Jessica: Oh, Burt, that's wonderful.
Danny: Yeah. We brought some signs.
Burt: Yeah, yeah, check this out: "Burt - The Choice That Won't Hurt"
Benson: I feel like hurting you right now.
Danny: Or this one: "Campbell - It's Not Just for Soup Anymore"
Benson: And I thought the last one was bad.
Burt spots Mallu.
Burt: Hey, I remember you. You're the lawyer.
Mallu: That's right.
Burt: I just want you to know that I plan on eliminating crime from this town. Can I have your vote?
Mallu: You bet. If you eliminate criminals it'll be great. Of course I'll vote for you!!!
Burt: Great. (gives Mallu a sticker)
Billy: If crime is eliminated from the city, you'll be out of a job.
Mallu: Wow, you're right!!
Chester: Gee, what an idiot.
Mallu: Shut up, Tate.
Chester: YOU shut up.
Benson: Why don't you both shut up?
Burt: Hey Benson, I can have your vote, can't I?
Benson: You can have my vote but you can't have anything else of mine.
Burt: Good. Because I want you to know that as sherriff, I won't discriminate between white and black...
Burt: I mean it. Everyone will be equal under Sherriff Campbell.
Benson: How wonderful.
Burt: I know. Anyway, Danny and I have a lot of campaigning to do, so we've gotta go.
Benson: What a shame.
Danny: We'll see you all soon. And remember, on election day, vote for Burt - The Choice That Won't Hurt.
Jessica: Bye, Burt. Bye, Danny.
Danny and Burt leave.
Benson: If you'll all excuse me, I'm going upstairs to my room. Mrs. Tate, just take the roast out of the oven in 5 minutes.
Benson goes upstairs.
Jessica: Come on everyone, let's go have some salad while the roast is finishing.
Jessica, Billy, and Chester leave and go into the dining room. Mallu is the last one left. The doorbell rings. Mallu opens it. It's Saunders.
Saunders: Hello, I'm awfully sorry to interrupt, but is Benson here?
Mallu: He's upstairs in his room.
Saunders (smiling): Thank you.
Saunders goes upstairs. Mallu shrugs and goes into the dining room.
Cut to: The Tate dining room. Mallu and Chester fight over a piece of turkey.
Chester: That was my piece, you idiot.
Mallu: No it wasn't. It's mine.
Chester: Get away from here, you idiot.
Mallu: You get away, pig.
Chester: You're calling ME a pig? Your mouth hasn't stopped moving since we sat down.
Mallu: That's it!
Mallu attacks Chester. They struggle and Billy jumps to stop them.
Jessica: Chester! Mallu! No choking during dinner!
Billy separates Mallu and Chester.
Billy: Dad, Mr. Mallu, please stop.
Chester: Very well. I'll act like a man.
Mallu: I'm surprised he knows how.
Chester jumps to attack Mallu but Billy stops him.
Chester: I won't lose my temper.
Jessica: Good. Let's all have dinner quietly.
Everyone eats quietly. Suddenly a huge rumble is heard from the living room. Saunders runs into the dining room, and Benson, follows, holding a rifle.
Benson: Take that!!!
Saunders: Please, please, don't shoot me.
Jessica: Hello, Saunders.
Saunders: Oh, hello, Mrs. Tate.
Jessica: How are you, dear?
Saunders: Great...and you?
Jessica: Yes, Chester? Look who's here! It's Saunders.
Chester: I can see that, Jess. (to Saunders) What are you doing here?
Benson: He tried to kill me.
Saunders: Oh please, don't be ridiculous.
Benson comes up to Saunders and takes a fishing rod out of his pocket.
Benson: You see?
Billy: That's a fishing rod, Benson.
Benson: I know. I was on my bed, sleeping, when he came and put the hook in my mouth, and tried to reel me in.
Chester: Saunders, is that true?
Saunders: Well, sort of. But you see, I thought he had a fish in his mouth....My, look at the time, I need to get going. It was nice chatting with you. Goodbye, all.
Saunders breaks free of Benson's grab and runs out.
Jessica: Goodbye, Saunders.
Benson: I can't believe that he tried to kill me.
Chester: Benson, please...
Benson: If you'll excuse me, I'm going to build a bunker.
Benson leaves. Everyone stays at the table.
Mallu: Gee. I guess I shouldn't have let that guy in.
Scene 3: A fancy restaurant in Dunn's River. Burt, Danny, Jodie, Chuck and Bob, Scotty and Wendy walk in. Burt walks up to the Maitre D.
Burt: Hi. We have a reservation for 6, for Campbell.
Maitre D looks through his books.
Maitre D: Of course. This way, Mr. Campbell.
The Maitre D walks the Campbells to their table and they sit down.
Jodie: Burt, are you sure we can afford this?
Burt: Sure, once wouldn't hurt. That's what I want to do, is take my family just once to a fancy dinner.
Danny: I can't wait.
The waiter walks up to the table and places menus in front of the Campbells.
Waiter: Good evening, everyone. Can I get you anything to drink?
Burt: I'll have a white wine, please.
Jodie: Me too.
Wendy: I'll have a red wine.
Scotty: Me too.
Chuck: Just soda for me. I don't drink.
Waiter: OK. I've got 3 white wines, 2 red wines and a soda.
Bob: Excuse me, I'd like a scotch and soda, neat.
Waiter looks at Chuck and Bob for a moment, then bursts into laughter and walks away.
Scotty: I don't think he was impressed.
Wendy: Of course. He's a dummy.
Bob: I'm a lot smarter than you, honey.
Wendy jumps up to attack Bob, but Jodie and Scotty stop her.
Jodie: Wendy, don't take it to heart.
Wendy: Yeah, I guess you're right.
The waiter returns with everyone's drinks.
Waiter: Our specials tonight include salmon in white wine sauce, lobster bisque, and steak. The steak is barbecued, but not with charcoal, but with a special type of wood.
Bob: Wood? Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Waiter looks at Chuck.
Waiter: Would you mind?
Burt: I'll have the bisque, please.
Danny: Lemme have that salmon.
Waiter: No problem.
Jodie: Me too.
Chuck: Can I have a burger?
Waiter looks at Chuck.
Waiter: I beg your pardon? Did you say burger?
Waiter: Burger??? Burger??? You want a burger???
Chuck: You don't have any?
Waiter: If you want a burger, go to McDonald's. This isn't a fast food restaurant.
Chuck: OK, I'll have the lobster then.
Wendy: Excuse me, sir?
Wendy: May I change my order to steak?
Jodie: Wendy, I thought you didn't like steak.
Wendy: I don't.
Jodie: Then why are you ordering it?
Wendy: Well, the way I see it, the steak will probably come with a really sharp knife, and I can use it to stab myself.
Jodie: Wendy... (to Waiter) I'm sorry, Wendy just broke up with her boyfriend and she's a little upset.
Waiter: How unfortunate for her.
Bob: Hey, dude, you forgot to take my order.
Bob: Get me a steak, well done.
Waiter: Yeah, right.
Burt: Uh, sir...You'd better get him the steak.
Waiter looks stunned.
Waiter: You want me to serve a dummy???
Burt: Trust me. I'll pay for his meal.
Waiter: OK. (under his breath) nutty family.
Burt: What's that?
Waiter: Oh, nothing. I'll get you some salad to start.
Burt: Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking about that waiter?
Danny: Yeah...He's a little strange, isn't he?
Another waiter brings the Campbells some salads. He looks stunned.
Wendy looks at the waiter. It's Charlie.
Wendy: Charlie? What are you doing here?
Charlie: I work here.
Wendy: What happened to the wood cutting?
Charlie: The forest burned down.
Jodie: Charlie? Why don't you leave my daughter alone.
Charlie: Oh, hi, Mr. Dallas (to Chuck and Bob) Hey fellas.
Bob: Get away from me!!
Jodie: Go away, Charlie.
Charlie: Oh, alright.
Charlie walks away.
Scotty: Fancy running into him here.
Danny: Of course it's fancy. It's a fancy restaurant.
Scotty looks at him like he's a nut, but gives up.
Burt looks at Danny, and Danny looks at Burt.
Burt: Are you ready, Danny?
Danny: You bet.
Jodie: Ready for what?
Burt: You'll see.
Burt taps the glass with a fork.
Burt: Everyone, may I have your attention please?
Everyone looks at Burt.
Burt: I just want to make a brief announcement. My name's Burt Campbell, and I'm running for sherriff.
Jodie: Oh no...
Danny: Yeah, and I'll be his deputy.
Burt: And we're starting our campaign right here and now.
Danny takes out the campaign signs.
Scotty: Oh god, they brought the signs.
Burt and Danny start handing out stickers to people.
Waiter comes up.
Waiter: Mr. Campbell, you can't do this here!
Burt: Please...If I get elected for sherriff I'll make jobs better for all waiters.
Waiter: Oh...well, then I guess you can campaign for 5 minutes.
Burt: Great. (gives him a sticker)
Jodie pulls Burt's sleeve.
Jodie: How can you make waiters' jobs better?
Burt: Shhh...be quiet. Of course I can't do it, but the whole world doesn't have to know about it.
Burt and Danny continue to walk around the restaurant, giving people stickers and explaining their goals.
Waiter brings the meals and serves them to the Campbells. Everyone except Burt and Danny sits down and eats.
Bob: Ah, excuse me, dude.
Waiter walks up to Chuck and Bob.
Bob: This steak is lousy. I asked for well done, you incompetent fool.
Chuck: Bob's steak is a little undercooked.
Waiter: Well, why won't Bob shove it up his nose?
Bob: Alright that's it. I've had enough.
Chuck grabs a pie from the dessert cart and puts it in Bob's hand. Bob puts in on the waiter's face.
Waiter: Why you little...
Waiter grabs the steak and starts chasing Chuck and Bob around the room. Jodie and Scotty run to stop them.
Chuck and Bob run into Danny who falls into a table, knocking it down and throwing food everywhere.
Danny: OK that's it!
Danny and the waiter chase Chuck and Bob around the room, while Jodie and Scotty chase them. Soctty runs into Burt, they both fall into a table, spilling soup all over Burt's campaign signs.
Burt: My signs!
Scotty: Sorry, Dad.
Burt: I'm going to get that stupid dummy.
Everyone begins to chase Chuck and Bob around the restaurant, except Wendy. Charlie walks up to Wendy.
Charlie: Oh, Wendy, please take me back!!! Please!!! I'll do anything!!!
Wendy: Gee, get up.
Wendy: Oh for heaven's sake, you're pathetic.
Wendy pushes Charlie into the dessert cart. He gets cakes and desserts all over him. By this time the restaurant is a mess and food is being thrown everywhere. The Maitre D' comes out.
Maitre D': Everyone stop!!!
Everyone stops dead in their tracks.
Maitre D': That's enough.
The Maitre D' walks up to Burt.
Maitre D': Mr. Campbell, look at this mess.
Burt: I'm real sorry.
Maitre D': Me too. You know how much damage this is? I'm going to have to insist that you get your family, and your dummy, and your dirty, and may I add tacky, campaign signs and get the hell out of here.
Burt: Oh alright.
Burt picks up his signs and motions to the family to leave.
Maitre D': And I'm going to have to insist that you pay for the meal and the damages.
Burt takes out a piece of paper and gives it to the Maitre D'.
Maitre D': This is an I owe you.
Burt: Of course it is. You think I have that kind of money?
Burt and the Campbells leave. The Maitre D' stands in his place for a moment, then goes out and chases the Campbells.
Scene 4: Motel in Texas. Eunice is in a room, sitting on the bed, when Corinne walks in.
Eunice: Corinne! Thank god! What did you find out?
Corinne sits down on the other bed.
Corinne: Well, it's not looking good.
Eunice: What? What? Tell me already.
Corinne: Will you calm down? You're hysterical.
Eunice (screaming): I'M NOT HYSTERICAL!
Corinne: Dutch is in serious trouble. The police commissioner told me that the murder weapons were found in his possession, and an eye witness saw a man matching Dutch's description around the time of one of the murders.
Eunice: Oh, God...what are we going to do?
Corinne: Isn't it obvious? We're going to prove Dutch innocent.
Eunice: How are we going to do that?
Corinne: I'm not sure...
Eunice: That helps.
Corinne: Well, I don't see you rushing in with good ideas.
Eunice: I'm thinking.
Corinne: All I know is that if we both love Dutch, and he loves us both, we need to do our best to prove him innocent.
Eunice: Excuse me?
Eunice: Dutch does NOT love both of us. He only loves me.
Corinne: That's a laugh.
Eunice: Then why do you think he told me he loved me when I went to visit him?
Corinne: Didn't he mention me at all?
Eunice: Not even once.
Corinne looks upset.
Corinne: Anyway, I called home and told them what's going on.
Eunice: What did they say?
Corinne: Ma wished us luck in helping Dutch.
Eunice: What did Daddy say?
Corinne: Daddy was crying.
Eunice: Aww...he cares that much about Dutch?
Corinne: No...He was crying because it took this long for Dutch to get arrested.
There's a moment of silence
Corinne: Let's go.
Corinne: To see Dutch.
Eunice: What for?
Corinne: So we can find out all the info from him. How can we help him otherwise?
Eunice: Good point.
Corinne: Let's go. I'll go start the car.
Eunice: Heh, I fooled Corinne. She thinks Dutch doesn't love her. And she'll do less to help him. And then I'll look like the hero and Dutch will choose me....Eunice Tate, you are a smart one.
Eunice smiles, turns out the lights, leaves and closes the door.
There is a shot of the room, and then a shadow appears in the window.
Announcer: Will Burt become sherriff again? Will he have the money to invest in the campaign further? Will Wendy continue to run into Charlie? If she does, will she continue to throw food at him? Will Jessica have to make a choice between Mallu and Chester? Will she choose them both? Will Saunders ever kill Benson? Or will Benson kill him first? Is Dutch really a murderer, or is he being framed very successfully? And who is watching Corinne and Eunice? These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of:
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