Announcer: In the last episode of Soap, Benson, in a cab on the way to the Tate house, revealed that Jessica, in a coma for the past 19 years, would be coming home. Chester, who's been in a mental institution for 19 years, isn't coming home anytime soon. And Jodie still hasn't come home from thinking he's an old Jewish man.
Confused? You won't be after this episode of Soap.
This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells. And this is SOAP.
Scene 1: Tate house. Eunice, Billy, Dutch and Saunders are in the living room when the doorbell rings.
Saunders: I suppose you'd like me to get that.
Saunders opens the door. It's Benson.
Saunders: Oh yes. The old butler.
Benson: That's right. May I come in?
Benson: Why not?
Eunice: Saunders, who's at the door?
Saunders: Girl scouts.
Benson (shouting): It's me, Benson!
Billy: Benson? Is that really you? (runs to the door)
Benson: Yes, yes, it is.
Everyone runs to hug Benson.
Eunice: Wow, Benson, you're back.
Benson: Alright, alright. That's enough. You've all touched me enough. I hate to be touched.
The Tates walk in and Benson follows.
Saunders (sarcastically): Oh, do come in, Benson.
Eunice: Saunders, will you please go get us some coffee?
Saunders: Very well.
Saunders walks into the kitchen, comes out holding a bag of coffee and gives it to Eunice.
Saunders: Here you go.
Eunice: Uh.....Thanks, Saunders.
Billy: So, Benson, what brings you here?
Benson: I wanted to see your mother come home.
Dutch: Aw, how nice Benson. Isn't it nice of him?
Eunice: Very nice.
Eunice: Would you get that please?
Saunders: Get what?
The doorbell rings again.
Eunice: The door!
Saunders: Oh, all right.
Saunders opens the door. In come El Puerco, Juan One and Jessica.
Jessica runs into the room and hugs Eunice and Billy.
Jessica: Oh, children! It's so good to see you again.
Jessica turns to Benson.
Jessica: Wow, Dutch, you've changed.
Benson: Mrs. Tate....I'm not Dutch.
Jessica: Then what are you doing here with my daughter?
Dutch comes up to Jessica.
Dutch: Mrs. Tate....don't you recognize me?
Jessica: Dutch! (hugs him) I had the weirdest dream just now. You turned into a black man.
Benson: Mrs. Tate...
Jessica turns around.
Jessica: Wait a minute....I know that voice.....Benson?
Jessica: Oh, Benson! It's so good to see you again!
Benson: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
El Puerco and Juan One enter the living room.
El Puerco: Well, ladies and gentlemen, I have returned Jessica to you.
Juan One: And only 6 of our men were killed!
Eunice: How many men did you have?
Juan One: Well....if we include those guys and....no, we have to get rid of those guys, because they turned on us....and we have to uninclude those other guys because they were spies....we had a total of 6 men!
Benson: How nice. And I always thought THIS family was crazy. This guy is worse.
El Puerco: You will have to excuse him. He's still a little jet lagged. Come on, Juan One, I will take you to your room.
Juan One: Whatever you say, oh hog of hogs.
Benson: Oh god....
El Puerco and Juan One go upstairs.
Jessica: Eunice....where's daddy?
Eunice: Which daddy? Mine or yours?
Eunice: Well, MY daddy is....I don't know how to say this....he's....uh...
Benson: Mr. Tate is in the nut house.
Jessica: Oh how nice of your father, collecting all those nuts for us.
Billy: No, ma...Dad is.....uh....he's....
Benson: In the mental institution.
Jessica: Oh....is he a doctor now?
Benson: No. He's a patient now.
Eunice: Benson, would you mind leaving Mother and Billy and me alone?
Eunice: Saunders, will you make up the guest room for Benson?
Dutch: I'll do it. Come on Benson.
Benson: How wonderful. A killer is making up my room.
Benson and Dutch leave.
Jessica: Alright, Eunice. Why is your father in an institution?
Eunice: Well, mother, he tried to murder Danny and Annie.
Jessica: But why?
Billy: Because they were getting jiggy with it.
Jessica: Oh.....what does that mean?
Eunice whispers something in Jessica's ear.
Jessica: Danny and Annie???
Jessica: So Chester tried to kill them?
Billy: Yes, only he missed. They took him for a psychiatric assessment and he's been in the institution for 19 years.
Jessica: Oh dear....and where's Daddy?
Eunice: Well, mother....Grandpa died 6 years ago.
Jessica: Oh my....
Eunice: But he was much better before he went. He recognized all of us.
Billy: And he knew what year it was.
Jessica: Oh, poor Daddy...
Eunice: I'll take you to the cemetery tommorrow, Mother. I promise.
Jessica: Thanks, Eunice.
Billy: Come on, ma. You've been through a lot. Let me take you to your room.
Jessica: Thanks, Billy.
Jessica and Billy go upstairs.
Scene 2: Campbell living room. Burt is sitting on the couch, reading a newspaper. Chuck and Bob come down.
Chuck: ...so you see, Bob, you've gotta shape up, or our act will be cancelled.
Bob: Me shape up? You're the one who ruins the act. I've been meaning to tell you, I plan on going solo.
Chuck: Oh, come on, Bob. What will I do? I'll be out of a job....Please...
Bob: Oh, alright. I'm giving you a week to shape up and then you're history.
Chuck: I'll be better, Bob, I promise.
Burt: Hey Chuck, will you shut Bob up?
Bob: What's the matter, Burt? You afraid I'll say something smart and show how dumb you are?
Burt: Hey, hey....Shut up.
Bob (to Chuck): No offense, but your father is an idiot. (to Burt) Come on, your wife's been dead for 13 years, and even when she was alive, she was ugly as sin.
Burt: That's it....That's it!!!
Burt jumps up and starts to chase Chuck and Bob around the room, while Chuck screams. Jodie (Julius) comes down the stairs, and watches the scene.
Jodie (Julius): Hey, hey, Cowboy!
Jodie (Julius): Why don't you leave the dummy alone?
Bob: Hey....Stop calling me a dummy.
Jodie (Julius): Not you, the other guy.
Chuck: I'm NOT a dummy.
Jodie (Julius): Well you sure make the best darn impression of one I've ever seen.
Bob: Oy, this guy is so lame. Get a grip, you idiot!
Burt: Hey Chuck, why don't you take Bob upstairs?
Bob: No way. I'm staying. The highlight of my day is to see what this idiot will do next.
Jodie (Julius): Look at that. The puppet is calling ME an idiot. (to Burt) But he's a nice boy....made out of wood.
Burt: Oh god, I'm surrounded by morons.
Bob: No, you're not Burt. If you were in a room with mirrors all around, THEN you'd be surrounded by idiots.
Burt: I'm gonna kill him! I'm gonna kill him!!!!
Burt chases Chuck and Bob again. In the course of the chase, Chuck and Bob knock over a case of glass plates, one of which hits Jodie (Julius) on the head. Everyone stops.
Chuck: Oh Bob, look what you did.
Burt: I know, that was our best China.
Chuck: Dad! Something's wrong with Jodie.
Bob: That's not a new thing.
Chuck: No, look, he's unconscious.
Burt looks down and sees Jodie unconscious.
Burt: Jodie! Jodie! Speak to me!
Jodie opens his eyes.
Jodie: Oh my god. Where am I?
Burt: Hey, his old Jewish man accent is gone!
Bob: That's a shame. I kinda liked it.
Jodie: Where am I?
Burt: Here, you're here.
Jodie: Who are you?
Burt: Look at the kidder...It's me, Burt, your stepfather.
Jodie: Burt? Who's Burt?
Burt: I am! I am!
Jodie: You are who?
Jodie: What about Burt?
Bob: Gee, he's even stupider now. (to Jodie) You idiot, you're Jodie Dallas, the homosexual. (to Chuck) Give me that plate over there
Bob grabs the plate and smashes it over Jodie's head. Jodie falls again.
Jodie opens his eyes.
Jodie: Oh god, what a headache.
Jodie sees Burt, Chuck, and Bob.
Jodie: Burt? Chuck? Bob? What are you guys doing here?
Burt: What do you mean?
Jodie: Where's Dr. Rudolph?
Burt: You know Dr. Rudolph?
Jodie: Yes, he's about to hypnotize me.
Burt: Oh god, Jodie! You're back!
Burt hugs Jodie as the audience claps.
Scene 3: Mental Institution. Jessica enters a room, followed by a doctor.
Doctor: Five minutes, Mrs. Tate.
Jessica: Thanks, doctor.
Doctor: If you need me, just call.
Doctor leaves, and two orderlys bring Chester in.
Jessica: Oh my god, Chester, you look terrible.
Chester: Oh, Jess. You're alright! Thank god you're alright.
Jessica: Yes, I'm alright now. I'm home.
Chester: Jess, I've missed you. I really have.
Jessica: Chester, look at you. You're in a mental institution.
Chester: Yes, Jess I know that. Seeing those doctors and the other crazy people around here gave me the idea that this is a mental institution.
Jessica: Chester, why did you do it?? Why did you try to murder Danny and Annie?
Chester: I don't know, Jess. I really don't. I was worried about you. You'd been kidnapped. I saw them in bed together. I didn't what else to do. I mean, the only woman I've ever truly loved was gone, and my second wife and son betrayed my trust. I didn't know what to do.
Jessica: So you tried to kill them?
Chester: Yes, Jess, I did. I'm so ashamed of myself.
Jessica: What happened?
Chester: I missed. It bounced off the mirror, hit a picture, which fell on my head. The next thing I knew, I was here.
Chester: I did it for you, Jess. I really did.
Jessica: Getting me flowers would've been enough, Chester.
Chester: I love you, Jessica, I really do.
Jessica: Well, you had a very funny way of showing it.
Chester: I know, Jess. Please forgive me.
Jessica: We'll see.
Doctor comes in.
Doctor: Time's up.
Chester: I'm getting better, Jess, I really am. And I'll be out soon. Wait for me, please.
Jessica: Goodbye, Chester.
Scene 4: Campbell living room. Jodie and Burt are standing in the living room, nervous.
Jodie: What do I say to her, Burt?
Burt: Just be yourself, Jodie.
Jodie: Wonderful. My daughter comes home to see her gay father who's been an old Jewish man for 19 years.
Burt: Come on, Jodie, it's not your fault. You were forced into that situation.
Jodie: I'm so nervous.
Jodie: Oh my god. That's her! That's her!
Burt: Calm down, Jodie. Calm down!
Jodie: I'm calm. I'm calm.
Jodie trips and almost breaks another set of plates.
Burt: Whoa, watch out!
Burt opens the door. Wendy, now 21 years old, is at the door.
Wendy: Hello, grandpa.
Burt: Hi, Wendy.
Jodie steps forward.
Wendy: Dad? Is that you?
Jodie: Yes, it's me. Oh, Wendy!
Wendy and Jodie hug.
Wendy: You're not 90 years old anymore?
Jodie: No, I'm not.
Wendy: Oh, good.
Burt: I'd better leave the two of you alone.
Burt goes upstairs.
Wendy: So, Dad, are you still a homo?
Jodie: Last time I checked.
Wendy: Oh....well, I have a surprise for you.
Jodie: A surprise? That's nice. What is it?
Wendy: I've brought a boyfriend.
Jodie: For me? You shouldn't have.
Wendy: No, dad, not a boyfriend for you. A boyfriend for me.
Jodie: You've got a boyfriend?
Jodie: That's great. Where is he? Where is he?
Wendy: He's at a hotel. I figured I'd wait before introducing the two of you.
Jodie: I want to meet him.
Wendy: OK, I'll bring him over for dinner some night.
Wendy (yawning): Wow, I'm bushed. It was a long ride.
Jodie: Burt's making up your room now.
Wendy: OK, I'll go help him. Good night dad.
Jodie: Good night, Wendy.
Wendy goes upstairs.
Jodie: Wow, my daughter has a boyfriend. I can't believe it. I can't wait to meet him.....and with any luck, he'll have a friend for me.
Scene 5: Tate Guest Room. Benson answers a knock to the door and lets Saunders in.
Saunders: You called me?
Benson: Yes, I did. Look at this (points to the sheets on his bed).
Saunders: You said you wanted me to change the sheets on your bed. If you wanted clean sheets, you should've said "Saunders, please change the sheets on my bed to clean sheets". You didn't say clean.
Benson folds his arms.
Saunders: OK, I'll change them to clean ones.
Saunders turns to leave, but turns around again.
Saunders: May I ask you why you're here?
Saunders: Why are you here?
Benson: I was the Tate butler for a long time. I'm here to take care of them.
Saunders: That's what I'm here for.
Benson: You're doing a lousy job.
Saunders: Besides, aren't you some sort of governor?
Benson (quietly): I lost my job.
Benson: I lost my job.
Saunders starts to laugh.
Benson: What's so funny?
Saunders: If you think you'll get your job back here, you're wrong. I'm the butler here.
Benson: Oh yeah?
Benson: OK, I challenge you to a contest. We'll both be butlers. And we'll let the Tates decide who'll be butler.
Saunders: You've got yourself a deal.
Saunders and Benson shake hands.
Benson: May the best man win.
Saunders: Oh, let's not say best man.
Benson: Why not?
Saunders: Because that gives me an advantage over you (smiles). Have a nice day, Benson.
Benson: Best man? Him? That's a laugh. I'll be butler in no time.
Now that Jodie is back, will he go back to his homosexual ways? Will Jodie like Wendy's boyfriend? Will he try to steal him from her? Now that Jessica is back, will she continue her romance with El Puerco, or will she go back to Chester? When Chester comes out of the assylum, will he try to get Jessica back? Will Burt ever get over Mary's death? Or will he kill Bob? Who will win the contest, Saunders, or Benson? What will happen if they're both the best man? Can the Tates handle two butlers?
These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of:
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