Soap Online - Episode 3


Also Featuring:


Annie Tate

El Puerco

Wendy Dallas


Juan One


Written By:

Announcer: In the last episode of Soap, Jessica came home from Malaguay after being in a coma for nineteen years and went to visit Chester in a mental institution who hopes he can come back home soon. Jodie came back to his senses and self when Bob hit him on the head with a plate, but he wasn't ready for the coming of Wendy, his daughter, who was coming to see him after nineteen years. And Benson came back after nineteen years to take his job back from Saunders who came to it after Benson left.

Not coming back to you? It will after the coming episode of SOAP

This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells. And this is SOAP.

Announcer: We begin this episode of Soap in the Tate house.

Scene 1: Tate Dining Room, at breakfast.

Saunders: Breakfast is ready.

Jessica: What's for breakfast Saunders?

Saunders: Oh anything you like Mrs. Tate.

Billy: I'll have poached eggs.

Saunders: Here you go.

Billy: These aren't poached eggs.

Saunders: Does it matter what type of eggs you eat? They're eggs. Just eat them.

Billy: This is porridge Saunders.

Saunders: Then eat the porridge.

Billy: But I don't want porridge.

Saunders: Eat it anyway. Don't cry like a little girl.

Billy: Saunders, how'd you like to be unemployed?

Saunders: Okay. Okay.

Saunders takes the porridge and enters the kitchen.

Benson: Good morning everyone.

Jessica: Good morning Benson!

Eunice: Morning.

Dutch: Good morning sweetheart!

Jessica: Good morning everyone. Saunders is making breakfast.

Benson: Good, I haven't thrown up in a while.

Jessica: Oh Benson.

Saunders comes in and gives everyone different things.

Benson: What about me? (mumbles) ugly fat man.

Saunders: There is none left so you get last night's leftovers.

Benson: What is it?

Saunders: Escargots.

Benson: Fine.

Saunders leaves and comes back in with escargots and serves them to Benson.

Benson screams and throws the plate which hits Eunice in the face.

Benson: They were alive! They were alive!

Eunice throws her porridge at Benson but it hits Billy.

Jessica: Everybody stop right now! This is breakfast. We act civilized at breakfast. Saunders, get Benson a plate of poached eggs right now before you answer to me.

(Audience cheers)

Saunders: Yes Mrs. Tate.

Eunice: I think I'll go wash up.

Billy: Me too.

Eunice and Billy leave.

Jessica: So Dutch, what are you doing today?

Dutch: We're finishing another building Mrs. Tate.

Jessica: That's good.

Dutch: I'm going to work. Bye Mrs. Tate.

Jessica: Bye Dutch.

Dutch leaves.

Jessica: What are you making tonight for Mr. Tate's welcome home party, Saunders?

Benson: I'll cook, Mrs. Tate.

Jessica: Benson, you are a guest. You can't cook.

Saunders: Got that right.

Benson: It's all right, Mrs. Tate. I'll cook for the party.

Saunders: So will I.

Jessica: You're both cooking?

Saunders: Yes and after eating my cooking, the party will go great.

Benson: Ya, for the cockroaches who are the only ones that'll eat it and are here because of his bad cleaning.

Jessica: I look forward to it.

Scene 2: Campbell house. Jodie, Danny, Annie, Burt, Chuck and Bob in the living room.

Jodie: They'll be here any minute.

Danny: Relax you'll like him.

Bob: Too much I'm afraid.

Jodie: He's dead!

Jodie chases Chuck and Bob around the livingroom.

The doorbell rings.

Burt: They're here!

Jodie: Open the door!

Jodie opens the door. Wendy walks in with her boyfriend.

Wendy: Hi dad.

Burt: Come in Wendy.

Wendy: Charlie this is Jodie. Jodie, Charlie.

Charlie: Hello there Mr. Dallas. Pleased to meet you.

Jodie: Pleased to meet you.

Wendy: Charlie, these are Danny, Jodie's brother, Annie his girlfriend, Burt my grandfather and Chuck his son.

Everyone: Nice to meet you Charlie.

(Bob coughs)

Wendy: That's Bob, Charlie.

Charlie: Hello there Bob.

Bob: Get him away from me!

Chuck: Take it easy! what's wrong?

Bob: Can't you see? This guy's a butcher. Look at what he's wearing.

Annie: Bob, he's not a butcher. Come on, I'll get some hot milk and cookies.

Bob: One side vanilla, one side chocolate?

Annie: What the hell.

Danny: I'll come with you.

Annie, Danny, Chuck and Bob go to the kitchen.

Charlie: That was interesting.

Burt: Sorry about that. So charlie, what do you do?

Charlie: I'm a lumberjack and a woodcutter.

Bob screams from the kitchen.

Bob: Help he's a lumberjack! And a wood cutter.

Chuck and Bob come out of the kitchen with a glass of milk that spills on Danny.

Danny: That's it!

Danny starts chasing Chuck and bob around the room.

Burt: Hold it! Charlie is a guest in our house.

Jodie: Guys could you leave me and Wendy alone so we can talk.

Burt: Charlie I'll show you the....bathroom.

Charlie: Great! I've always wanted to see...a...bathroom.

Charlie and Burt go upstairs.

Annie: Let's go into the kitchen.

Bob: I wanna stay and hear what he says.

Wendy: How'd you like me to give you to Charlie for tomorrow's work.

Bob: Chuck, let's go.

Chuck, Bob, Annie and Danny leave the room.

Jodie: That leather jacket.

Wendy: What about it?

Jodie: Cows don't wear that much leather.

Wendy: What!? I'll date who ever I want!

Wendy runs upstairs.

Jodie: You can date who ever you want, as long as I like him.

Scene 3- Tate house. Jessica, Eunice, Dutch, Billy, Benson and Saunders are in the Tate livingroom.

Jessica: Is everything ready for the party?

Eunice: Yes mother.

Doorbell rings.

Benson: You want me to get that?

Jessica: If you don't mind.

Saunders: I'll do it.

Benson and Saunders start fighting for the door knob. The bell rings several more times. Saunders wins and opens the door.

Chester: I'm home!

Dutch: Hey big guy! Welcome back!

Chester: Why thank you Dutch.

Jessica: Chester did you see who's here?

Chester: No Jessica who?

Jessica: Benson!

Chester: Hi there Benson. Nice to see you again.

Benson: I'd say the same thing but I'd be lying.

Jessica: Chester, the Campbells are coming over for the party.

Chester: Wonderful. Nineteen years in a mental institution and the first thing I get to see is the Campbells.

Eunice: They should be here any minute daddy.

Doorbell rings. Benson and Saunders fight for the door knob. Benson wins and opens the door.

Burt: Hi Benson!

Benson: Hi.

Burt: May we come in?

Benson: No.

Jessica: Open the door.

Benson: Okay.

Burt, Chuck, Bob, Annie, Danny, Jodie, Wendy and Charlie come in

Jessica: Burt! Come in! Come in! Jodie, is this your boyfriend?

Jodie: No, Aunt Jessica, it's Wendy's boyfriend.

Jessica: Oh....who's Wendy?

Jodie: My daughter. She came to see me after nineteen years. And here she is. Wendy meet the Tates: Jessica, Chester, Dutch, Eunice, Billy and their butlers Benson and Saunders.

Wendy: They have two butlers? Dad, would you buy me one of them?

Benson and Saunders point at each other.

Jodie: Wendy.

Wendy: Charlie these are the Tates.

Charlie: Pleased to meet you.

Jessica: Let's go and sit down for dinner.

Eunice: So Annie, what have you been doing besides wrecking people's families?

Chester: Annie? Ahh!!!

Chester starts dancing and singing.

Chester: Get away right now, before I make you bow! Touch me one more time and you'll die!

El Puerco and Juan One come downstairs.

El Puerco: What is all this racket?

Juan One: I don't know oh hog of hogs, but I'll find out. Danny, what is all this racket?

Chester: Danny!! Ahhh!!!

Chester starts dancing and singing.

Chester: Get away right now, before I make you bow! Touch me one more time and you'll die!

El Puerco: Oh the nut is back.

Charlie: So Annie, Danny, how'd you meet?

Danny: She's my step mother.

Charlie: Interesting family. (to wendy) Get me outta here. They're all crazy!

Wendy: We have to eat dinner first.

Benson: I made your favourite Mr. Tate.

Chester: Beef Wellington?

Benson: Yup.

Saunders: I made dessert.

Jessica: What's for dessert?

Saunders: Pies and cakes.

Benson: I made other main courses too.

Jessica: So Charlie, what do you do?

Charlie: I'm a lumberjack and a woodcutter.

Bob: Help! He's a lumberjack and a woodcutter!

Bob picks up a pie and throws it at Charlie.

Wendy: That's it!

Wendy chases Chuck and Bob with a pie and misses them but hits Eunice.

Dutch: Sweetheart are you okay?

Eunice: Oh shut up Dutch!

Eunice hits Dutch with salmon. Dutch tries throwing strawberry shortcake at Eunice but hits Annie instead.

Danny: Annie are you okay?

Chester: Annie! Ahhh!!!

Chester starts dancing and singing.

Chester: Get away right now, before I make you bow! Touch me one more time and you'll die!

Annie throws a pie that hits Jodie. Jodie spills punch on Burt. Burt throws the Beef Wellington at at Jodie but hits Danny.

Burt: Danny I'm sorry!!

Chester: Danny! Ahhh!!!

Chester starts dancing and singing.

Chester: Get away right now, before I make you bow! Touch me one more time and you'll die!

Danny hits Jessica with the mashed potatoes.

Benson: I am not cleaning this!

Saunders: Me neither!

Benson: You have to, it's your job.

Dutch: Big guy why are you dancing all the time?

Chester: That's what they told me to do at the institution.

El Puerco: I think it's because he's just plain crazy.

Chester: You've been here long enough you pathetic idiot. Get out you bumbling twit!

El Puerco: I'm a twit. Youre in a mental institution for nineteen years and I'm the twit. You asked for it.

El Puerco runs towards Chester, getting ready to punch him. Chester pushes him head first into the Double Chocolate Fudge cake.

Juan One: I'll help you oh hog of hogs!

Juan One runs and jumps on chester's back. Chester starts moving around to get him off. Both of them fall into the Caesar Salad and into the souffle.

Chuck: Look what you did Bob.

Bob: Me what did i do you jerk?

Chuck: Don't call me a jerk, moron!

Bob: Who you calling a moron?

Chuck: You!

Both Chuck and Bob throw pies at each other.

Billy: Good bye Campbells. Thank you for a lovely, entertaining evening.

Billy leaves the house.

Charlie: Nice family.

Announcer: Will Wendy stop seeing Charlie? Will Bob ever face Charlie? Will the Tates ever invite the Campbells over again? Will Chester ever stop dancing? Will El Puerco and Chester ever finish their duel? Will Billy come back? These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of:


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