Announcer: In the last episode of Soap, Jodie met Wendy's boyfriend, Charlie, who's a lumberjack and a woodcutter. Jodie doesn't like Charlie very much, and Wendy doesn't like Jodie's not liking Charlie. Chester came home from the mental institution, and didn't like to see El Puerco, Danny and Annie in the Tate house. The Tates and Campbells didn't like Chester's crazy behavior. And Benson and Saunders don't really like each other, but they'd each like to be the Tate butler.
Confused? Then you'll like this episode of SOAP
This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells. And this is SOAP.
Scene 1: Campbell kitchen. Jodie is making coffee when Burt comes in.
Burt: Can't sleep?
Jodie: No, I'm fine. Just wanted a cup of coffee.
Burt: At midnight?
Jodie: Well, I like coffee at midnight. It....lets me sleep better.
Burt: How can coffee make you sleep better? It's full of caffeine.
Jodie looks embarrassed.
Chuck and Bob come into the kitchen.
Bob: A person can't get a wink of sleep around here.
Jodie: Bob....how would you like to eat a dust mite?
Bob: How would you like to shut up and go to sleep?
Burt: Hey, hey, come on now, let's not fight at midnight.
Bob: Good idea. Let's save the fight for 8 o'clock in the morning. I make better insults then.
Burt: Chuck, why don't you go back to sleep?
Bob: Why, are you afraid if I stay I might make an intelligent comment?
Chuck: Bob, stop it. I'm sorry, Dad.
Burt: It's ok. I want to talk to Jodie alone.
Chuck: OK. Let's go, Bob.
Chuck and Bob leave.
Jodie: Burt, don't you think it's time you sent Chuck to see a professional?
Burt: Come on, Jodie. You see that Chuck's not the problem. Bob is.
Jodie: OK, OK, I give up. So, what did you want to talk to me about?
Burt: Well, you seem troubled.
Jodie: Why? Because I'm up at midnight?
Jodie: Well, so are you. So you must be troubled too.
Burt looks embarrassed.
Burt: You got me.
Jodie: I've got a problem.
Bob's head appears.
Bob: You just noticed that now?
Jodie: Bob, I'm thinking of building a fireplace for the winter. And I'm going to need wood. If you don't shut up, I'm going to use you.
Bob's head disappears.
Burt: What's the problem?
Burt: She seems ok to me.
Jodie: SHE'S ok. But her boyfriend isn't.
Burt: Oh, having trouble with the boyfriend?
Jodie: Burt, did you see what he was wearing?
Burt: Yeah...boy, Jodie, this reminds me of a problem I had once.
Burt: Yeah, once, Chuck brought home a girl which I hated. I did everything I could to break them up. I tried, and tried, and tried to break them up, but eventually I realized that I couldn't. So I gave up.
Jodie: That's a wonderful story, Burt, but there's one problem with it.
Jodie: Didn't you tell me that your wife left you when Chuck was just a little kid?
Burt: OK, OK, so I made it up. Besides, Chuck can never get a girlfriend.
Jodie: Why not?
Burt: They take one look at Bob and run to the next state.
Burt: But the point I'm trying to make is that you can't decide for Wendy. She's a grown woman now. If you're right and Charlie's a creep, she'll realize it on her own eventually. Don't jeopardize your relationship with your daughter because you don't like her boyfriend.
Jodie: You know what, Burt? You're okay.
Burt: Well...I know.
Jodie: OK. Now it's your turn.
Jodie: Come on, you have a problem too. Spill it out.
Burt: I got a telegram from Scotty today. He's coming home tomorrow.
Burt: So? My son, who I haven't seen for 14 years is coming home from boarding school.
Jodie: You should be happy.
Burt: He's probably really cool now, with a really nice hairdo and he probably has strange friends and he probably doesn't really remember who I am anymore....God, I'm nervous.
Jodie: Don't you think you're over reacting a little?
Burt: Over reacting? Jodie, this is not my long lost distant cousin who's coming to stay for 2 days and then go back to Nowhereville. This is my son! I'm going to prepare!
Burt: Yes, I'm going to the airport. See ya.
Burt leaves the kitchen in a hurry. Three seconds later he comes back.
Burt: I should probably wait till the morning.
Jodie nods and pours Burt some coffee. They start drinking it.
Scene 2: Tate bedroom. El Puerco comes out of the bathroom and joins Jessica in bed.
El Puerco: You have no idea how much I have missed you.
Jessica: I missed you too, El. All those years in a coma, I always thought of you and my children. It's what kept me strong.
El Puerco: Now it's all over. You are back and we can continue where we left off.
Jessica: I'd like that very much.
El Puerco and Jessica kiss. Suddenly the door opens and Chester comes in. Jessica and El jump up, surprised.
El Puerco: Haven't you ever heard of knocking, you idiot?
Chester: I'm sorry to disturb you, but, Jessica, why do I have to sleep on the couch?
Jessica: Because Benson is using the guest room.
Chester: Then why not give him the couch, and ME the guest room?
El Puerco: Because you're a bum.
Jessica: El...No, Chester, it's because Benson was here first.
El Puerco: You should be lucky she's even letting you stay here in the first place.
Jessica: That's enough, El. Chester, go back downstairs.
Chester: Oh, alright.
Jessica: I'm sorry about Chester, but he has no place to stay, and his kids DO live here.
El Puerco: Don't worry about him, he's an idiot....now, where were we?
El Puerco and Jessica kiss again, but Chester comes in again.
El Puerco: What do you want this time, you jerk?
Chester: I'm sorry to bother you again, but I was thirsty and was wondering if I can get a glass of water from your bathroom.
Jessica: Why don't you go to the kitchen and get a glass of water?
Chester: Scientific facts, Jess.
Chester: Haven't you heard?
Jessica: Heard what?
Chester: Scientists proved that in large houses like this, upstairs tap water is much less likely to have bacteria in it than downstairs tap.
El Puerco: That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.
Jessica: Oh, El...Chester was always good at Science, so if he says this is true, I believe him. I'll get you the water, Chester.
Chester: Thanks, Jess (sticks his tongue out at El Puerco)
Jessica goes into the bathroom.
El Puerco: Just what exactly are you trying to pull?
Chester: Just spending time with my wife.
El Puerco: EX-Wife.
Chester: Not for long.
El Puerco: Oh please, she will never take you back. Not when she can have me.
Chester: We'll just have to see about that.
El Puerco: Don't push me too far!
Chester: I'm not afraid of you, you no-good foreigner dog.
El Puerco: That's it! I am re-challenging you to a duel.
Chester: Fine. Duel it is!
El Puerco: Just be warned, I WILL win.
Chester: That's what you think.
El Puerco: We'll see.
Chester: You bet we will.
Chester turns around, and when he leaves, he bumps into a wall. He moves, finds the door and leaves.
Scene 3: Tate pool house. Danny and Annie in bed.
Danny: Something wrong? You've been quiet ever since the dinner party.
Annie: I'm sorry, Danny. I'm just worried.
Danny: About what?
Annie: Chester's back.
Danny: So what?
Annie: What if he tries to kill us again?
Danny: He won't try to kill us. The worse that can happen is he'll see us and dance again.
Annie: I'm still legally married to him, you know. He's been too incompetent for the past 19 years to sign the divorce papers.
Danny: He was incompetent long before that....but, first thing tomorrow morning we're going to see my lawyer to get divorce papers.
Annie: You have a lawyer?
Danny: No...but Burt knows a lot of good ones, we'll talk to him.
Danny: Hey, how about we...?
Danny: Well, we can't do it tomorrow, we'll be at the lawyer's office. And we can't do THAT in the lawyer's office.
Annie nods. Danny turns off the lights.
Scene 4: Campbell living room. Jodie and Chuck and Bob are sitting on the couch, while Burt paces up and down the room.
Bob: Will you stop pacing? You're driving me crazy.
Jodie: Too late for that.
Bob: Shut up, 90 year-old.
Jodie: Bob, go sit on a drill.
Chuck: Please, Bob...we're all excited to see Scotty.
Bob: Why are we so excited to see that idiot?
Burt: Shut up, Bob.
Chuck: Please stop, Bob.
Bob: I have a right to express my opinion.
Doorbell rings. Burt starts running up and down the room. Jodie follows him to calm him down. Doorbell rings again.
Bob: Will you two idiots get the door?
Jodie: Burt, calm down!
Burt: OK, OK, I'm calm.
Doorbell rings again. Burt gets up and opens the door.
Scotty: Hi dad!
Burt: Oh Scotty!
Burt and Scotty hug.
Burt: It's so good to see you again. Would you like something to drink?
Scotty: How about inviting me in, dad?
Burt: Oh, of course. Of course. Come in.
Scotty comes in.
Burt: You remember Jodie, and Chuck?
Scotty: Barely. I haven't been here for 14 years.
Jodie: Hi Scotty. I'm your brother Jodie.
Scotty: Hi Jodie.
Burt: And that's your other brother, Chuck.
Chuck: Hi Scotty.
Scotty: Hi, Chuck.
Burt: That's Bob.
Bob: Your other brother.
Scotty: He's a dummy.
Bob: Hey, your IQ isn't high either.
Burt: Alright, alright, enough. I thought we'd all have a glass of wine to welcome you back.
Scotty: Good idea.
Burt gets the wine bottle and tries to open it but can't.
Burt: Geez....dynamite can't open this bottle.
Scotty: Can I try, dad?
Burt gives Scotty the bottle. Scotty stares it for 2 or 3 seconds and all of a sudden the cork pops off.
Bob: Whoa! He's nuts. Chuck, get me outta here.
Chuck and Bob run up the stairs.
Burt: Ah...Scotty, how did you do that?
Scotty: I don't know.
Jodie: That was amazing.
Scotty: I don't know how that happened.
Burt: Oh, well. Never mind. How was boarding school, son?
Scotty: It was great, Dad. Real easy. I was top of the class.
Burt: That's great son.
All of a sudden a fly starts flying around the room. Scotty looks at it, and all of a sudden it drops dead. Jodie and Burt are stunned.
Scotty: Boy, I'm really tired. Where's my room, dad?
Jodie: I'll show it to you, Scotty. Come on.
Scotty and Jodie go upstairs. Burt is left alone in the living room.
Burt: Gee, Scotty did some weird things. Wonder what it could be....oh my god....19 years ago, Mary thought Scotty could be an alien. Can it be...Nah, no way. That's crazy.
Burt goes upstairs.
Scene 5: Dunn's River Cemetery. Jessica and Eunice come into the cemetery and stop at one of the graves.
Eunice: See, mother? That's grandpa's grave over here.
Jessica: Wow, it's so nice.
Eunice: Billy and I planned it together.
Jessica: Look at how his medals are carved in to the tombstone.
Eunice: Yeah, it cost a fortune too.
Eunice: But it was worth it. Grandpa was a good soldier.
Jessica: Yes, he was. The best.
Eunice: And over there is Aunt Mary's tombstone.
Jessica goes over to see it.
Jessica: It's so beautiful.
Eunice: Yeah, I know. We all helped Burt plan it.
Jessica: I wish Mary was around now to give me advice.
Eunice: What kind of advice, mother?
Jessica: About men.
Jessica: Yes, I'm in love with two men.
Jessica: Yes, El Puerco is one of them.
Eunice: Who's the other?
Eunice: You're still in love with daddy?
Eunice: But he treated you so terribly.
Jessica: I know, but he's been acting so sweet since he came home from the institution.
Eunice: He's still a little on the nutty side.
Jessica: I know, but it's so adorable. So you see, that's why I wish Mary were here, so she can help me decide.
Eunice: Can I try to help, mother?
Eunice: Fine. I'll buy you a coffee.
Eunice: Come on mother, let's go.
Eunice and Jessica leave the cemetery. The show ends with a shot of Mary and The Major's tombstones.
Announcer: Will Chester divorce Annie? Or will he be too busy dancing to sign the divorce papers? What will happen with Danny and Annie? Will they stay together after she divorces Chester? Will Jodie ever accept Charlie? Will he try to get him for himself? Is Scotty really an alien? Is Burt over reacting? Who will Jessica choose, Chester or El? Will she have to choose if one of them kills the other in the duel? These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of:
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