Soap Online - Episode 5


Also Featuring:


Annie Tate

El Puerco

Wendy Dallas

Scotty Campbell


Juan One




Written By:

Announcer: In the last episode of Soap, Burt was confused because Scotty came back home from boarding school after fourteen years and appeared to have alien powers. Annie is confused about her future, but she's decided to divorce Chester once and for all. In all the confusion in the Tate house, El Puerco re-challenged a confused Chester to a duel. And Jessica is confused because she thinks she is in love with both Chester and El Puerco.

Confused? Your confusion will disappear after this episode of SOAP

This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells. And this is SOAP.

Scene 1: Law firm. Danny and Annie are waiting for the lawyer.

Annie: I'm scared.

Danny: What are you scared of?

Annie: If I tell you, you'll think I'm crazy.

Danny: No I won't.

Annie: Chester.

Danny: What?

Annie: I'm scared I won't be able to divorce him.

Danny: What are you, crazy?

Annie: I knew you'd think I'm crazy.

Annie starts crying.

Danny: I'm sorry. It's just that, you have nothing to be scared of.

Annie: Are you sure?

Danny: I'm sure.

Annie: Oh Danny.

Danny: Let's do it.

Annie: Here?

Danny: Ya.

Annie: Now?

Danny: Ya.

Annie: I don't think we should...but what the hell.

Danny and Annie start doing it on the lawyer's desk. Just then, Mr. Mallu comes in.

Mallu: Excuse me.

Danny: Oh my god. We're really sorry.

Mallu: Please don't mind me. Continue. It doesn't look like you two need a divorce.

Annie: He's not my husband.

Mallu: Could have fooled me. The way you two were getting it on. Anyway, who are you trying to divorce?

Annie: Chester Tate.

Mallu: Tate?

Annie: Ya.

Mallu: I know the family. I'll come by the house tonight and we can continue then.

Annie: See you then Mr. Mallu.

Scene 2: Tate house at breakfast. Chester, Juan One, Billy and Dutch.

Juan One: Hey black man, get me some cereal.

Saunders: What would you like fat man?

Juan One: Fruit Loops.

Saunders: Very well.

Billy: Saunders.

Saunders: Yes sir?

Billy: I asked for bacon.

Saunders: So?

Billy: These are eggs, Saunders.

Saunders: Then eat the eggs. I'm not making anything else.

Billy: I want bacon right now.

Saunders: The kitchen is there, get it yourself.

Billy: You have 72 hours notice.

Saunders: Okay. Okay. I'll get you the bacon. (mumbles) spoiled brat.

Saunders goes into the kitchen.

Dutch: Hey big guy, I got an idea about your duel.

Chester: Well, what is it Dutch?

Dutch: I'll train you.

Chester starts laughing.

Dutch: What's so funny?

Chester: You training me for the duel.

Dutch: If you don't let me train you, El Puerco will kill you.

Chester: Dawn, morning, noon, evening, night or dusk?

Dutch: Tomorrow at noon.

Jessica and Benson walk into the dining room and sit down.

Saunders: Here's your breakfast Mrs. Tate.

Jessica: Why thank you Saunders.

Benson: What about me?

Saunders: Nothing left but leftovers from last night.

Benson: What is it?

Saunders: Soup, the only thing the Campbells didn't throw.

Benson: Alright.

Saunders serves Benson consomme. Benson jumps and throws the soup, which spills all over Juan One.

Benson: There was a mouse in there!

Juan One eats his cereal, which is now contaminated with the soup.

Juan One: Not bad.

Scene 3: Golf course. Burt is there with the governor and Gene.

Governor: So Burt, are you ready to become senator?

Burt: Senator. I can't wait.

Gene: At the rate you're going, we'll pass through 50 more presidents before you can run for senator.

Burt: What do you mean?

Gene: No offense Burt, but you stink at golf.

Burt: I told you before I'm just having some bad luck.

Gene: It's a miracle you finally finished the last hole.

Burt: What do you mean?

Gene: The way it bounced off the truck and then from that bird was really incredible.

Burt: That bird isn't dead is it?

Gene: No it's getting up. See.

Burt swings the club and hits the ball.

Governor: There it goes again. Like a bee going to its hive.

Gene: He's got the brain the size of a raisin.

Governor: Anyway Burt, the way we see it, you're going to do great as senator.

Gene: Burt, would you like to know the real reason we called you up here?

Burt: Why?

Gene: Burt, senator is just a ploy so we can get you to be president.

Burt: President?

Gene: Ya. You only gotta do one big favour for me.

Burt: What would that be?

Gene: Learn to play golf.

Scene 4: Tate house- The Campbells and the Tates have gathered together for a welcome home party for Scotty.

Chester: Jessica why do we have to hold Scotty a party?

Jessica: Because Scotty is a member of our family. And tonight please try not to fight everyone.

Chester: Alright.

Doorbell rings. Benson and Saunders fight for the door knob. Saunders wins and opens the door.

Mallu: I'm here to see Annie Tate.

Saunders: Come in.

Mallu enters the house.

Mallu: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to bother you, but I've come to get some details on your family for the divorce of Annie and Chester Tate. What has happened to you Mrs. Tate?

Jessica: Me?

Mallu: Yes Mrs. Tate. Please give me the answer.

Jessica: I forgot the question.

Mallu: What has happened to you over the past nineteen years?

Jessica: I was shot before a firing squad but survived.

Mallu: How about you Mr. Campbell?

Burt: My wife died.

Mallu: You Mr. Dallas?

Danny: I had an affair with my step mother.

Mallu: This is a zoo. If it doesn't involve death, it's some sick thing that you people did and that you get some sort of sick twisted pleasure from it. What about you Mrs. Lightner?

Eunice: Nothing much.

Dutch: She ran out of sexual fantasies nineteen years ago.

Eunice: Oh shut up Dutch.

Mallu: If I were a member of this family, I'd have committed suicide a long time ago.

Benson: I wanted to get rid of you a long time ago.

Mallu: You must be Wendy Dallas. I remember you as a little girl. This must be your boyfriend. What does he do?

Wendy: He's a lumberjack and a woodcutter.

Bob: He's a lumberjack and a woodcutter!

Chuck and Bob duck as Charlie tries to hit them with a knife.

Mallu: what have you been doing Mr. Dallas?

Jodie: I was an old Jewish man for nineteen years.

Mallu: I'm not gonna even ask.

Chester: Is that all?

Mallu: One more question. What about you Mr. Tate?

Chester: I was put away in a mental institution for nineteen years.

Benson: And I still can't figure out why they let him out.

Mallu: Well, that'll be all. See you in court Mr. Tate.

Mallu leaves.

Chester: So you want a divorce?

Annie: No that was just one big joke. Of course I want a divorce you idiot.

The doorbell rings. Benson and Saunders fight for the door knob. Benson wins and opens the door.

Scotty: Hi. You must be Saunders.

Benson: Do I look short and fat?

Scotty: No.

Benson: Then I'm not Saunders.

Scotty: You're uncle Chester?

Benson: Do I look crazy and fat?

Scotty: You're not fat but crazy I'm not so sure about.

Benson slams the door shut in Scotty's face. Burt is enraged and opens the door.

Scotty: Dad. Why'd you ask me to come here?

Burt: Just come in.

Burt gestures and everybody hides. Scotty comes into the house.

Everybody: Surprise! welcome home Scotty.

Scotty: Thanks everybody. I'd be touched if I only knew who you guys were.

Burt: This is Chester. This is Jessica. This is Danny. This is Annie. this is Eunice. This is Dutch. These two are the butlers Benson and Saunders. The other two are revolutionaries.

Scotty: Interesting family. Thanks a lot everyone.

Jessica: You're welcome. Let's go and eat dinner.

Scotty: What's for dinner?

Saunders: Steak with Yukon potatoes.

Benson: In other words garbage.

Jessica: Chester, what state is Yukon in?

Chester: I don't know Jessica.

Scotty: Yukon isn't in a state. It's a territory in Canada aunt Jessica.

Jessica: You mean these are from Canada? How do they survive the below 100 degree celsius winters?

Scotty: It isn't that cold there aunt Jessica.

Saunders: The steak is burned I'm afraid.

Benson: Did you cook that steak?

Saunders: Yes.

Benson: Then that's not a surprise.

Scotty looks at the staeak and it de cooks enough to be medium - well.

Jessica: See there Saunders. It wasn't burned after all. Don't you know anything about cooking?

Bob: He's crazy!

Bob throws Chuck's steak at Scotty. The steak moves to the side and hits Chester.

Billy: Dad you okay?

Benson: We're talking about your father. He's a nut.

Chester throws mashed potatoes at Benson but hits Dutch. Dutch knocks over the champaigne onto Eunice. eunice tries to hit Dutch with the salad but hits Danny.

Dutch: I'm so sorry Eunice.

Eunice: Oh shut up Dutch.

Danny hits Burt with the chopped liver. Burt throws a fruit cake that hits Jodie in the face.

Bob: How appropriate. Fruit cake for the fruit.

Jodie throws a lemon meringue pie at Bob but hits Charlie. Charlie hits Wendy with the turkey. Wendy is so mad that she pours the cranberry sauce on Chuck and Bob's head. Chuck throws the stuffing at billy. billy goes into the kitchen, brings out porridge and hits El Puerco with it.

Chester: You look rediculous. Then again, you always look rediculous.

El Puerco: Get him Juan One.

Juan One trips while trying to hit chester and lands face first into the chocolate cake.

Benson: I'm not making anymore chocolate cake ever!

Saunders: Good it was terrible anyway.

Benson and Saunders throw the left over food at each other. Saunders tries hitting Benson again but hits Jessica instead. Everyone starts shouting at one another and throwing food around. The doorbell rings. Benson gets out of the fight and opens the door.

Corinne: Ma, I'm home.

Jessica: Corinne!

Announcer: Will Annie successfully divorce Chester? Will Mallu ever come by the Tate house again? Will Burt become president? Will he learn how to play golf first? Who will be the Tate butler, Benson or Saunders? Is Scotty an alien, or is de-cooking steaks a Campbell family trait? Who will win the duel, Chester or El Puerco? Why has Corinne come back? These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of:


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