Announcer: In the last episode of Soap, Annie told a shocked Chester she wanted a divorce. Mr. Mallu was shocked when he interviewed the Tates and Campbells and saw how nutty they are. Scotty shocked everyone when he displayed some shocking alien powers. And the entire family got a major shock when Corinne came home.
Shocked? You won't be after this shocking episode of SOAP
This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells. And this is SOAP.
Announcer: We begin this week's episode of Soap, shortly after Corinne's return.
Scene 1: Tate house. Corinne's room. Corinne sits on the bed when Jessica walks in with some coffee.
Jessica: Here you go, Corinne, fresh coffee.
Corinne: Thanks, ma.
Corinne drinks the coffee and there is silence for a while.
Jessica: It's so good to have you home again, Corinne.
Corinne: It's great to be home.
Jessica: How's little Timmy?
Corinne: He's not little anymore, Ma. He's 21.
Jessica: He's 21?
Jessica looks like she's adding something in her head.
Jessica: ...Oh yeah, he IS 21 now. Wow, he's all grown up.
Corinne: And he's going to college, he's doing very well. He would've come with me, but he was too busy with his studies.
Jessica: Oh, how nice....so, Corinne, how long are you planning to stay for?
Corinne looks at Jessica for a moment, then starts crying.
Jessica: Corinne, what's wrong?
Corinne: Oh, ma...I don't have any money.
Jessica: How did that happen?
Corinne: I lost my job...and then I had to pay Timmy's college tuition, and then the money was all gone...so I came here, I was hoping you'll help me out....but it's a bad idea.
Jessica: No it's not. We'll help you out.
Corinne: But you and daddy are divorced, and he's not working, and now you've got two butlers to pay for. You can't help me. I still have some money left over. First thing in the morning I'll grab a flight back to California.
Jessica: Oh Corinne...Nothing is more important than my children. So, I'll find a way to help you out. I promise.
Corinne: Then I can stay?
Jessica: As long as you want.
Corinne: Oh, ma...
Corinne and Jessica hug.
Scene 2: Dutch and Eunice's bedroom. Dutch enters and joins Eunice in bed.
Dutch: Yes, Eunice?
Eunice: How come we never do it anymore?
Dutch (mumbling): Because you're turning into an old hag.
Eunice: What was that, honey?
Dutch: Nothing, I was saying that it's too bad we don't do it anymore.
Eunice: Then why don't we? I feel like doing it now.
Dutch: Oh, ok.
Eunice: Nice. I'll be right back.
Eunice jumps out of bed and goes through her drawers. She finally takes out two costumes.
Dutch: Eunice, what the hell is that?
Eunice: Our costumes. I'm in the mood for a fantasy.
Dutch: Here we go again....what is it this time?
Eunice: Let's pretend it's World War II. I'll be Mrs. Hitler and you'll be Adolf coming home after a long day.
Eunice: Come on Dutch, it'll be fun.
Eunice hands Dutch his costume. Dutch sees it's a soldier's uniform. He looks at it and then pulls out a little black piece of fabric.
Dutch: Eunice, what the heck is this?
Eunice: Your mustache.
Dutch: I have to wear a mustache?
Eunice: Hitler had a mustache, haven't you ever seen the pictures?
Dutch: There's no way I'm wearing that, Eunice.
Eunice: You can't be Hitler without a mustache.
Dutch: Then I guess I won't be Hitler at all.
Eunice: But I'm in the mood for a Hitler fantasy.
Dutch: That's it, Eunice! I can't take this anymore! You're crazy! Absolutely crazy!
Dutch: Why? Why? You're asking me why? Why can't we ever have sex like 2 normal people? Why is it always a fantasy with you?
Eunice: That's the way I like it, Dutch!
Dutch: Well, I don't! I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Eunice: You can't. Daddy's sleeping there.
Dutch: Fine, I'll sleep in the backyard. Anything to get away from here.
Eunice: Fine! Do whatever you want! Goodbye!
Dutch storms out of the room, but runs into Corinne.
Corinne: Dutch, what's wrong?
Dutch: Your sister is crazy, do you know that?
Corinne: I've known that for a long time.
Dutch: She wanted us to do a Hitler fantasy. Of all the stupid things in the world! A Hitler fantasy!
Corinne puts her arm around Dutch.
Corinne: Come on Dutch, you're very upset. Let's go into the kitchen and have something to drink. We can talk all about it.
Dutch: Oh, alright.
Dutch and Corinne go downstairs.
Scene 3: Tate living room. Billy comes into the living room, carrying books. Jessica and El Puerco are sitting on the couch, while Benson is sweeping dust around the living room.
Jessica: Hello, honey.
Billy: Hi, mom. Hi, El.
El Puerco: Hello, Billy.
Jessica: Why all the books, Billy?
Billy: I'm going to college, ma.
Billy: No, ma, not now. When school starts again. I've decided that I've been relying on the family's money for too long. I want a career.
Jessica: Oh, Billy, that's wonderful.
Billy: And I'll even pay my own tuition.
El Puerco: That's very good. Because soon this family won't have any money.
El Puerco: Because once Annie divorces Chester, she'll take everything he has. He has no chance.
El Puerco: That's the truth, Jessica. He's going to lose everything.
Billy: We'll see....anyways, I'm really thirsty...Benson?
Billy: Will you get me a drink?
Benson: Sorry. I'm not on kitchen duty right now.
Billy (shouting): Saunders! Saunders!
Saunders comes out of the kitchen
Billy: Get me a coke please, with ice.
Saunders: Yes, sir.
Saunders goes into the kitchen and comes back with a glass of coke. He places it in front of Billy. Billy takes a sip of it and jumps back.
Billy: Saunders! This is warm. I said I wanted ice in it.
Saunders: Oh, terribly sorry.
Saunders takes a pitcher of cold water and pours it into the coke. Coke and water spill everywhere.
Benson: I ain't cleaning that.
Billy: I wanted ice, Saunders.
Saunders: Take it and freeze it, it'll become ice.
Billy folds his arms.
Saunders: Oh, all right.
Saunders turns around and goes back in the kitchen. On the way he passes Benson, who sticks his tongue out at Saunders.
Juan One comes downstairs.
Benson: Oh no, here comes the guerilla.
Juan One: Nice to see you too. Are you ready for training session, El Puerco?
El Puerco: Yes, of course. Goodbye, Jessica. Goodbye, Billy. Goodbye, Benson.
Benson: Goodbye, and let's hope I never see you again.
Jessica gets up and stands next to El Puerco.
Jessica: Now, El, is this duel really necessary?
El Puerco: Yes it is. It will get Chester out of our lives for good. (to Juan One) let's go, we have a lot of work to do.
El Puerco and Juan One leave.
Billy: Ma, are you ok?
Jessica: Yes, I'm fine....I think.
Billy: Ok, ma. I'm going upstairs to start reading some of these books.
Billy leaves. Jessica stays on the couch, looking confused
Scene 4: Gym. Dutch and Chester enter.
Dutch: Now, for duels like these, dexterity is the key.
Chester: Whatever you say, Dutch.
Dutch: Good. (in a tough voice) Drop and give me 20!
Chester: I beg your pardon?
Dutch: Give me 30 push ups now!
Chester: Why do I have to do push ups? We'll be using guns.
Dutch: You have to burn down some fat. I mean, I don't call you Big Guy for nothing. Now give me 40!
Chester: Oh, alright.
Chester does 2 push ups and collapses.
Chester (panting): This is tough. I can't do anymore.
Dutch: Do your 50 push ups! Don't be a softy!
6 hours later.
Chester: Can I stop now?
Dutch: Yeah, you finally got it. See? I knew you could do it.
Chester (panting): Whatever you say Dutch.
Dutch: Now for the thumb war.
Chester: Thumb war? I can barely move, this guy wants to do a thumb war.
Dutch: You've gotta be able to move your fingers quickly. Do you think El Puerco will wait until you're able to draw your gun? One false move and they'll be cleaning your blood off for a year!
Chester: Thumb war it is!
Dutch (sighing): This is going to be a long day.
Scene 5: Tate kitchen. Jessica pours some coffee when Eunice walks in.
Eunice: I smell coffee! Give me some, quickly.
Jessica: Everything alright?
Eunice: Couldn't be better.
There's silence for a minute and then Eunice starts crying.
Jessica: What's wrong, Eunice?
Eunice: Oh mother, I was up all night.
Jessica: And you're crying because of that?
Eunice: No, mother. Dutch and I had a fight last night and he slept downstairs.
Jessica: What did you fight about?
Jessica: Gee, why'd you have to fight about it? Doing it is much easier.
Eunice: Mother, do you think I'm crazy because I like fantasies?
Jessica: Of course not, honey.
Eunice: Because Dutch thinks I am.
Jessica: Well, maybe you need to come up with a compromise.
Eunice: What kind of compromise, mother? Half fantasy, half regular sex?
Jessica (after thinking for a moment): That's a wonderful idea.
The kitchen door opens and Corinne walks in.
Corinne: Oh good, there's coffee. I was up all night.
Jessica: Why, Corinne?
Corinne: Well...I....I was up all night thinking about my problem.
Eunice: Why don't you get a job, Corinne?
Corinne: Why don't you get a normal marriage?
Jessica: Alright, alright, enough. The truth is I didn't sleep last night either.
Corinne: Why, ma?
Jessica: I'm worried.
Eunice: About what?
Jessica: Chester, El Puerco, the duel.
Corinne: Oh come on, ma, they won't really duel.
Jessica: Yes they will. Why do you think El Puerco spent all day in the basement?
Eunice: Spring cleaning?
Jessica: No, he was training down there. He even slept in the basement.
Jessica: He said if he slept with me and I tempted him, it'll break his training.
Eunice: Well, mother, daddy's training too. He and Dutch were at the gym all day.
Corinne: Why worry about daddy, ma? He treated you terribly. Don't tell me you're still in love with him.
Jessica: Yes I am.
Corinne almost chokes.
Jessica: I'm in love with 2 men! 2 men! And they're both going to fight over me.
Eunice: I wish Dutch would even bother to fight for me.
Corinne (mumbling): He wouldn't be fighting for much.
Jessica jumps up.
Jessica: I can't take this anymore. Sitting around here, being depressed. Why don't we all go to the movies?
Corinne: Great idea.
Eunice: Let's go see a real romantic flick.
Jessica: Good idea...Ooh, I can't wait, going to the movies with my girls.
Eunice, Corinne and Jessica get up and leave the kitchen.
Scene 6: Mr. Mallu's office. Annie and Danny are sitting in the office, when Mr. Mallu walks in.
Mr. Mallu: Now, Chester and his lawyer will be here any minute.
Annie: Do you know who his lawyer is?
Mr. Mallu: No clue. Now, the key here is to reach a settlement so we don't have to go to court. Now, no offense, but your entire family is crazy.
Danny: They ARE a little odd.
Mr. Mallu: A little? Your mother had an affair with her brother-in-law which produced you, your step-father was a mobster, your second step-father thought he was invisible, your brother is gay and thought he was an old Jewish man, your step-brother talks with dolls, and your niece is going out with a lumberjack, and that's only one side of the family.
Annie: The Tates aren't as bad.
Mallu: You wanna bet? Mrs. Tate was shot by a firing squad, your husband was in a mental institution, his daughter married a killer, they have two butlers tearing the house down, and there are guerillas living in the house. Is that normal?
Annie and Danny blush.
Mallu: But on the other hand, with a family like that, your chances of collecting are very good.
The door opens and Chester walks in.
Mallu: Oh, Mr. Tate, you're here. Where's your lawyer?
Chester: He'll be right in.
The door opens and Mr. Franklin walks in. Mallu is shocked.
Franklin: Yes, me. Twice you beat me, and I've hated you for years.
Mallu: So now you're defending Mr. Tate?
Franklin: Yes, and you WILL lose.
Mallu turns pale.
Mallu: Why don't we all sit down.
Everyone sits down, and Mallu motions Franklin to start.
Franklin: Now, my client and I assure all of you that we will fight to the end. We believe that Mrs. Tate doesn't deserve a penny.
Chester: You see? (sticks his tongue out at Annie)
Mallu: That's enough, Mr. Tate...go on, Mr. Franklin.
Franklin: As I was saying, Mrs. Tate doesn't deserve anything, for one reason and one reason only...her affair with Mr. Tate's son.
Danny: Listen you animal...
Mallu: Calm down, Mr. Dallas....Mr. Franklin, the only reason my client had the affair with Mr. Dallas is because Mr. Tate treated her miserably.
Annie: You see? (sticks her tongue out at Chester)
Mr. Franklin: That affair caused my client to go crazy, and be mentally anguished for 19 years.
Danny: Oh please...
Chester: It's true!
Danny: You were mentally anguished way before that.
Everyone starts shouting at each other, until Mr. Mallu taps on the table.
Mallu: That's enough! Mr. Franklin, I take it you and your client are not willing to reach a settlement?
Franklin: No way, we'll see you in court. Let's go, Mr. Tate.
Chester and Franklin leave.
Danny: Do we have a chance against them?
Mallu doesn't answer.
Danny: Mr. Mallu?
Mallu: We're dead.
Announcer: Will Chester and Annie reach a settlement? Will they have a sticking their tongue out at each other war? Will Chester be fit enough to win the duel, or will El Puerco win? Is Jessica really in love with both El and Chester? Will she share her room with both of them? Did anything happen between Dutch and Corinne? If it does, will Eunice join in on the fun? These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of:
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