Soap Online - Episode 7

Announcer: In the last episode of Soap, the Tates were happy that Corinne came home, but Corinne is a little out of luck, since she has no money. Eunice tried to get lucky with Dutch, but Dutch was sick of her fantasizing and stormed out. Lucky for Dutch, he ran into Corinne, who's in need of luck. This is of course unlucky for Eunice. Jessica is lucky to have two men fighting over her, but Chester isn't as lucky, because he isn't exactly fit for a duel. And Annie might run out of luck, since Chester got lucky by hiring Mr. Franklin, who will do anything to beat Mr. Mallu. Mr. Mallu's lucky winning streak of cases might run out, if Mr. Franklin will win the case. Luckily, Mallu knows how to fight.

Conufsed? You're in luck, because you won't be after this episode of SOAP

This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells. And this is SOAP.

Scene 1: Campbell kitchen. Burt is making coffee when Jessica walks in.

Jessica: Hello, Burt.

Burt: Oh, Jessica, glad you came.

Jessica: It sounded so urgent on the phone.

Burt: Well, it might be...go ahead, sit down.

Jessica: Wow, I remember all those times Mary and I talked in the kitchen over tea or coffee. Those were good times...

Burt: Well, this will be very similar to your talks with Mary.

Jessica: Well, not really.

Burt: Why?

Jessica: Because Mary and I always talked about men and sex, and I mean, Burt, talking to you about men and sex would be kind of strange, because, well, you're a man.

Burt: I know that, Jessica. But I meant that you and Mary usually talked about your problems.

Jessica: That's right, and usually our problems had something to do with men and sex.

Burt: Well, not this time.

Jessica: Well, I imagine not. Now, if I wanted to talk to someone in your family about men and sex, I'd probably choose Jodie.

Burt: But I'm not Jodie.

Jessica: Of course not, Burt, you're not gay (pause) That's not what you wanted to tell me, is it?

Burt: Of course not, Jess. I wanted to ask your advice.

Jessica: About what?

Burt: I've been offered a job as a senator.

Jessica: That was 19 years ago, Burt.

Burt: I know, but maybe this time it'll happen.

Jessica: So, that's good. You should go for it.

Burt: I don't know if I should, with all the problems in this family.

Jessica: What problems?

Burt: I can't tell you.

Jessica: Sure you can.

Burt: You'll laugh at me.

Jessica: No, I won't.

Burt: You promise?

Jessica: I swear.

Burt motions Jessica to come closer, which she does.

Burt: I think Scotty is an alien.

Jessica looks at Burt for a moment, then starts laughing.

Burt: See that? You're laughing.

Jessica (still laughing): I'm sorry, Burt, but this is just too funny. He can't be an alien.

Burt: He's been doing some very strange things.

Jessica: No offense, Burt, but lots of people in your family do strange things. It doesn't all mean they're all aliens.

Burt: Hey, my family isn't strange....are they?

Jessica: Well, you have one stepson who's actually part your nephew, and he's having an affair with his stepmother, you have another gay stepson who was an old Jewish man, and your only real son talks to a puppet.

Burt: And I suppose your family isn't just as strange, if not more.

Jessica: What do you mean, Burt?

Burt: You're having an affair with a guerilla, your ex-husband was in a mental institution for 19 years, he and the guerilla are going to have a duel, you have a daughter who married a killer, another daughter who married a priest, and two insane butlers tearing the house down.

Jessica: You're right...see? We're all strange.

Burt: So you think Scotty isn't an alien?

Jessica: No....a magician maybe, but not an alien. It's probably just a phase.

Burt: I hope so.

Jessica: Anyways, I need to get going. Burt, we should do this again sometime.

Burt: Yeah, maybe.

Jessica: Ok, bye bye.

Jessica leaves. Burt stays at the table, looking worried.

Scene 2: Health club. Charlie is walking on the treadmill. When he gets off, he sees Wendy there.

Charlie: Wendy! What a surprise!

Wendy: I've been looking everywhere for you.

Charlie: Well, I was right here.

Wendy: You've broken two dates with me this week.

Charlie: I know, I've been real busy.

Wendy: Where were you last night? I called your room about 6 times, you didn't answer.

Charlie: I was working.

Wendy: At 2 o'clock in the morning?

Charlie: I was...negotiating.

Wendy: Negotiating?

Charlie: Yeah, I was negotiating with these 2 guys about a deal. Took almost all night.

Wendy: Charlie, you're a lumberjack. What kind of deal could possibly take all night to negotiate?

Charlie: Well, that's true, but I was negotiating with these 2 guys about wood manufacturing.

Wendy: Charlie, you cut your own wood, you don't need to manufacture it.

Charlie: Well, we were....talking about a forest.

Wendy: A forest?

Charlie: Yes, those 2 guys own a forest, I was negotiating with them about cutting down some of their trees.

Wendy: Oh, why didn't you say so right away?

Charlie: I wanted it to be a surprise. If I can get this forest, it'll be a big step for me.

Wendy: Good luck...so, we going out tonight?

Charlie: Not tonight, honey.

Wendy: Why not?

Charlie: Well, tonight I need to catch up on some sleep. I'm really tired from all that...negotiating.

Wendy: Oh, I understand. Well, some other night, then.

Charlie: Thanks for being so understanding.

Wendy: I've gotta go home now, talk to you later.

Wendy and Charlie kiss and she leaves the health club. Once Wendy leaves, Charlie takes out his cellphone. He dials a number and waits.

Charlie: Hey Candy, it's Charlie...we're all set for tonight....yeah, I blew her off in 2 seconds....ok, I'll pick you up at 8...bye, babe.

Charlie hangs up his phone and gets back on the treadmill.

Scene 3: Campbell living room. Chuck and Bob, Jodie and Scotty sit down on the couch, while Burt is standing behind them.

Burt: What do you suppose Danny's big announcement is?

Bob: He's finally getting a brain?

Jodie: Bob, why don't you go into the basement? There are some termites down there.

Bob: Why don't you go find a woman? Oops, I meant to say man.

Jodie jumps up to attack Bob, but Scotty stops him.

Scotty: Come on, Jodie, he's a dummy.

Bob: And you're less than that.

Scotty: That's it!

Scotty gets up to attack Bob, but Jodie stops him.

Jodie: Don't bother with him.

Burt: What if he tells us he's going back to the mob?

Jodie: Come on, Burt, he won't say something like that. That's the old Danny.

Doorbell rings. Burt jumps to get it. He opens it, and Danny's there.

Burt: Hey, Danny, you ok?

Danny: Yeah, Burt, I'm fine. Are you all worked up?

Burt; Are you kidding? Me? Worked up? I'm not nervous at all!

Burt backs into the liquor cabinet.

Danny: Well, calm down, this is not bad news or anything.

Burt: I'd better sit down.

Burt sits down.

Danny: This IS big, though.

Burt: I know what it is!

Danny: You do??

Burt: Yes! Oh, Danny, please don't do it! Please! Wasn't once enough already?

Danny: Hey, I like doing that.

Burt: It's dangerous.

Danny: No it's not. What's the worse that can happen?

Burt: You can get yourself killed.

Danny: Huh?

Burt: What do you mean "huh"? You join the mob again, you'll get yourself killed.

Danny: Burt, I'm not planning to rejoin the mob.

Burt: You're not?

Danny: No.

Burt: So why'd you get me all worked up, then?

Bob: Would you shut up so that Danny can tell us these news before I turn 95?

Danny: I'm moving back in here.

Bob: Terrific. As if two nutty brothers weren't enough, now the third is moving back in.

Danny: Chuck, shut him up, will you?

Burt: You're moving back here?

Danny: It's not that I want to or anything.

Bob: Good, we don't want you here either.

Danny jumps up to attack Bob.

Scotty: Relax, Danny. I'll take care of this.

Scotty stares at Bob for a moment, and then his mouth gets glued shut.

Jodie starts laughing hysterically.

Chuck: Bob! Bob! Bob!

Bob makes sounds but no one understands.

Chuck: Someone help!

Scotty: Oh, alright, but promise he'll shut up.

Chuck: OK, OK, anything you say!

Scotty looks at Bob and his mouth gets unglued.

Bob: He's crazy! He's nuts! Chuck, get me outta here.

Chuck and Bob leave.

Burt: Finally. Now, Danny, let me get this straight...You're moving back here?

Danny: Yeah!

Burt: That's great!

Jodie, Scotty and Burt all hug Danny.

Danny: Thanks, guys.

Jodie: May we ask why you're moving back here?

Danny: Because the lawyer told me if Annie has a chance of collecting, I need to stay away from her for a while.

Jodie: Gee, do you think it'll work?

Danny: I hope so.

Burt: Well, whatever the reason is, I'm glad you're coming back, Danny.

Danny: Me too. Jodie, will you help me bring my stuff upstairs? Looks like we'll be roommates again.

Jodie: Alright. Let's go.

Jodie and Danny each grab a suitcase and go upstairs. Burt and Scotty remain in the living room.

Scotty: Great news about Danny, isn't it?

Burt: Yes it is....listen, son, can we talk?

Scotty: Sure, dad, what's on your mind?

Burt: Are you alright?

Scotty: Fine...great...never been better. Why?

Burt: Because you've been doing some strange things.

Scotty: What strange things?

At that moment, Scotty raises his hand, and stops a bottle that was about to fall out of the liquor cabinet. Burt is astonished.

Burt: Things like that! That was weird!

Scotty: Come on dad, I just saved you $200. This is an expensive wine.

Burt: Scotty...

Scotty: Dad, I'm not strange. I just have some powers, that's all. Some people read minds, I do this.

Burt: But Scotty...

Scotty: Dad, you're over reacting. I'm tired, I'm going to go to bed for a bit, ok?

Burt: Whatever you say, son.

Scotty: And don't worry about me, I'll be fine.

Scotty goes upstairs. Burt remains on the sofa. He puts his hands together, praying.

Burt: Please, Mary, keep an eye on our boy. Please don't make him be an alien, because I'll never be able to handle that.

Burt gets up and goes upstairs.

Scene 4: Campbell kitchen. Wendy sits at the table, when Jodie walks in.

Jodie: Hi.

Wendy: Hi.

Jodie: Not going out tonight?

Wendy: No, not tonight.

Jodie: That's too bad.

Jodie opens the refrigerator and takes out some ingredients.

Jodie: You hungry?

Wendy: No.

Jodie: OK. Do you mind if I eat?

Wendy: No.

Jodie begins making a sandwich.

Wendy: Dad, can I talk to you for a second?

Jodie: Of course.

Wendy: I need your advice.

Jodie: About what?

Wendy: Guys.

Jodie: Wonderful. My daughter is going to ask her gay father for advice about guys.

Wendy: I know this will be a little awkward....alright, it'll be a lot awkward, but I need help.

Jodie: What about?

Wendy: How do I know if Charlie is cheating on me?

Jodie almost chokes.

Jodie: You want me to give you advice about that?

Wendy: Yes.

Jodie: Great. My daughter is asking her gay father about guys who cheat.

Wendy: Dad, this is serious.

Jodie: I'm sorry, Wendy.

Wendy: Now I know that you don't like Charlie, so before you go accusing him of things he may not be doing, tell me how I can find out?

Jodie: You honestly think he's cheating?

Wendy nods.

Jodie: If he is, I'll kill him! I swear it!

Wendy: Dad! Please!

Jodie: Ok, ok. Now, you have to check out every story he tells you, and if it sounds especially ridiculous, you need to check up on him.

Wendy: Thanks, dad.

Wendy gets up.

Jodie: Where are you going?

Wendy: To buy a forest. See ya, dad.

Wendy leaves. Jodie sits there, confused.

Scene 5: Restaurant. Burt walks in with Gene and the governor. They sit down.

Governor: What a game! Burt, I haven't seen you play this well in ages.

Burt: Really?

Gene: Really. Last time you had 395 strokes, today you had only 350.

Burt: OK, so I'm not really that good at golf.

Gene: That's an understatement.

Burt: How about next time we play tennis?

Gene: We played tennis last week. You were bad at that too.

Burt: It's my tennis arm.

Gene: You've got an excuse for everything, don't you?

Burt: Almost.

Governor: You should play baseball, Burt. With shots like the ones you make in golf, you can hit a homerun every time.

Gene (to Burt): His brain is the opposite of wine, it gets worse with age.

Governor: Anyway, Burt, we wanted to talk to you about something.

Burt: What about?

Governor: I don't remember.

Gene: He's got the memory span of a fish. 3 minutes and then he forgets...Burt, we wanted to talk to you about your campaign for the senate.

Burt: What about it?

Governor: Remember we told you 19 years ago that you need to leave your family to become senator?

Burt: Yes.

Gene: Well, you have to do it again.

Burt: What? Why?

Governor: They're all freaks.

Burt: They're not freaks....well, maybe a little.

Gene: Burt, you've got one stepson who's gay and just got back from being an old Jewish man, you've got one son who talks to a puppet, you've got another stepson who's having an affair with his stepmother, and another son who might be from Mars.

Burt: Well, it's just a few problems.

Governor: A few? The way you're going, I'm surprised they haven't put you all away yet.

Gene: Right behind you, I'm sure.

Burt: Come on, I promise you, this is nothing. I'll take care of it.

Gene: We trust you Burt, but the public might not. You'd better watch out. As long as your family is ok, we'll be glad to help you.

Burt: And what if not?

Gene: Then you're on your own. Think about it. At this point, the only way to be senator is to choose between your career and your family. You know where to reach us.

Gene and the governor leave the restaurant, leaving Burt alone.

Announcer: Will Danny's moving back into the Campbell house help Annie win the divorce case? Did Wendy believe Charlie's story? What will she find when she goes to check up on him? Will she find another woman, or lots of logs? Is Scotty really a magician? Or is he just plain nuts? Will Burt put his career ahead of his family? Would this be a good idea, considering the family's problems?

These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of:

SOAP