Announcer: In the last episode of Soap, Eunice thought Dutch is having an affair, but Jessica told her not to think that. Later, Eunice thought that Corinne is having an affair with Dutch, but Corinne told her that her thoughts were ridiculous. Wendy thought that Charlie was cheating on her, and went to catch him, but didn't, because of Charlie's quick thinking. Jodie, who thought he'd never see Maggie again, saw her. He didn't think that Maggie would want to go out with him, but she did. And later, Jodie thought he saw Charlie with another woman, which he did. Charlie thought of covering it up, but Jodie saw through him and told him to think twice before he cheats on Wendy again.
Conufsed? Then I think you'd better stay tuned for this episode of SOAP
This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells. And this is SOAP.
Scene 1: Campbell kitchen. Jodie walks in and fixes himself a drink. Wendy comes in.
Wendy: Hey, dad.
Jodie jumps back in surprise.
Jodie: Wendy, you scared me.
Jodie: It's ok.
Wendy: You seemed to have a lot on your mind.
Jodie: I do.
Wendy: You came home pretty late. Where were you?
Jodie: Look at that. MY daughter is asking ME where I was...now, I'm not very good at this fatherly stuff, but isn't it ME who's supposed to be asking YOU where you've been?
Wendy: Sorry, I was just curious.
Jodie: Well, I had a date.
Wendy: A date?
Wendy: Who's the lucky guy?
Jodie: It wasn't a guy.
Wendy looks shocked.
Wendy: It wasn't?
Wendy: It was a woman?
Jodie: Yes, it was.
Wendy jumps up and down.
Wendy: Yes! Yes!!
Jodie: Why are you so happy?
Wendy: Well, you might be offended if I told you.
Jodie: I won't.
Wendy: It's just that when I was staying with grandma and grandpa in Texas, I was really embarrassed whenever someone asked me about my father. What was I supposed to tell them? That my father is a homo who thinks he's an old Jewish man?
Jodie: I guess I haven't exactly been father of the year.
Wendy: You're the best, Dad. Honest.
Jodie: You mean I'm the best now. But I haven't been all these years.
Wendy: That's all in the past.
Jodie: You're not mad at me?
Wendy: Not at all.
Wendy and Jodie hug.
Jodie: So, what about you?
Wendy: What about me?
Jodie: Didn't you go out tonight?
Wendy: No, Charlie was too tired.
Jodie: I bet he was.
Wendy: What do you mean?
Jodie: Wendy, I don't know how to tell you this.
Wendy: Tell me what?
Jodie: I went to Charlie's hotel earlier to meet Maggie...
Jodie: And I saw Charlie in the lobby with another woman.
Wendy: What? I don't believe it!
Jodie: It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.
Wendy: No, Dad. It's YOU I can't believe.
Wendy: Yes, you. I realize you don't like Charlie but to make up a lie like that...
Jodie: It's not a lie. I saw it.
Wendy: Well, if you must know, I went to check up on Charlie myself and he wasn't cheating. I can't believe you, Dad.
Jodie: What can I do to prove to you that I'm not lying?
Wendy: Nothing! I'm going to bed. Good night!
Wendy storms out of the kitchen.
Jodie: Guess that didn't go too well.
Scene 2: Tate kitchen. Dutch and Corinne come in to the kitchen, kissing. Corinne backs into the fridge and they finally pull apart.
Corinne: Ouch, that hurt.
Dutch: Corinne, are you alright?
Corinne: Yeah, I'm fine.
Dutch and Corinne kiss again but Corinne pulls back.
Dutch: What's wrong?
Corinne: I can't do this anymore.
Dutch: It's easy. Let me show you how...
Corinne: No, Dutch. I mean we can't sneak around like this anymore.
Dutch: Well, we can't very much do it in front of everyone. Eunice will see us.
Dutch: I'm sorry, Corinne. You're right. We can't sneak around anymore.
Corinne: Why don't we just tell Eunice?
Dutch: Are you crazy? We'll both be kicked out of here. And let's face it: You don't have any money, and neither do I, because business has been so lousy lately.
Corinne: So what do we do?
Dutch: I don't know. I'll think of something.
At that moment, Eunice's voice is heard outside the kitchen.
Eunice: Dutch, are you here?
Dutch and Corinne look for places for Corinne to hide, but are unsuccessful.
Dutch: The refrigerator!
Corinne: You want me to hide in a refrigerator?
Dutch: Yes! Hurry up!
Corinne: I'm not hiding in the refrigerator.
Dutch: OK, then Eunice will catch us here together and that will be the end.
Corinne: Call me when she leaves.
Corinne opens the refrigerator door.
Corinne: Wow, the refrigerator is almost empty.
Dutch: That's because Benson and Saunders threw everything that was in there at each other. Now, quick, get in there!
Corinne gets into the fridge and Dutch closes the door. Eunice walks into the kitchen.
Eunice: Dutch? I thought I heard your voice. Where have you been?
Dutch: At the gym with your father. The duel's tomorrow and he's really nervous.
Eunice: Oh, I see. Boy, am I thirsty.
Eunice gets a glass. She then opens the fridge and gets out the milk, not noticing Corinne in there.
Eunice: Boy, I love drinking milk in the middle of the night.
Dutch: That's nice, sweetheart.
Eunice: Why don't we go upstairs, and....you know...
Dutch: No fantasies this time?
Eunice: I promise.
Eunice and Dutch leave the kitchen.
Corinne (from inside the fridge): Dutch? Dutch? Eunice? Anybody? Aw, no...
Scene 3: Dunn's River Ravine. The Tates and the Campbells are all gathered there.
Jessica: Wow, Benson and Saunders have made so much food.
Saunders: Yes, the right side of the buffet is mine.
Benson: So, in other words, go to the left side.
Saunders: If you want to throw up, that is.
Corinne joins Jessica, covered in a jacket.
Jessica: Corinne, why are you wearing a jacket? It's 82 degrees outside.
Corinne: I think I've got a cold, ma.
Jessica: Well, next time, you'd better sleep with a jacket and then you won't catch a cold.
Corinne: Whatever you say, ma.
Scene shifts to Burt, Chuck and Bob, and Scotty.
Burt: Boy, I just love a good duel. Reminds me of wrestling.
Bob: Yes, it'll be fun watching Chester get his butt kicked.
Burt: What if he wins?
Bob: Ha ha ha! Chester? The guy's such an easy target, El Puerco could shoot backwards and not miss.
Chester and Dutch enter the scene.
Dutch: Now, remember, Big guy, you're ready for the duel. You've been practicing day and night. You can beat him.
Chester: Are you sure I'm ready?
Chester: Then why am I so scared?
Bob: Because you're gonna lose.
Chester: I'm not going to lose.
Bob: Yes you will! And pretty badly, might I add. See you in the hospital, loser! Ha ha ha!
Chester: I've had it.
Chester starts chasing Chuck and Bob around the ravine. Burt and Jessica run to stop it.
Jessica: Chester! Stop it! Chuck and Bob are family.
Chester: A very weird family.
El Puerco and Juan One enter.
Chester: There he is. I'm dead.
Scotty comes to Chester.
Scotty: Uncle Chester, would you like me to fight for you? I'll win for sure.
Chester: Get away from me, you lunatic.
Burt: Hey, don't you call my son a lunatic. You're the one who was in a mental institution.
Chester: I was just trying to follow you, Burt.
Burt and Chester start shouting at each other. Jessica runs to stop it.
Jessica: Boys, please don't fight.
Chester: Sorry dear.
El Puerco: Ready to begin the duel oh fatty of fat people?
Chester: Of course I am oh dog of dogs.
Juan One: That's hog of hogs.
Billy: Okay there. The ref is here. No more fighting. And remember, you're responsible for cleaning your own blood off the ravine.
Chester and El Puerco: Yes sir!
Billy: Play fair. No hitting right below the belt, no spitting, no mud throwing and no passing the out of bounds area.
Billy takes out a piece of chalk and draws the out of bounds area.
Billy: There is one more thing before we get ready to begin.
Billy: Place your bets. Who are you putting your money on. And remember the ref gets 30% of all profits. Place your bets.
Bob: 500 smackers on the pig.
Billy: Which one's the pig?
Chuck: I'll bet 1000 on Chester.
Corrine: 100 on daddy.
Juan One: 1 000 000 on El Puerco.
Burt: That's pretty confident.
Eunice: Can I bet on both?
Eunice: 250 on El.
Eunice: I don't want to lose.
Dutch: Gimme 350 on El Puerco.
Chester: Dutch...you trained me.
Dutch: That's right. And I know how you operate, so I'm betting on El Puerco. I can't lose.
Burt: I'm not betting.
Billy: Why not?
Burt: I'm running for senator, I can't gamble.
Jodie: Give me 375 on Puerco.
Wendy: 607 on the hog.
Scotty: 900 on El.
Chester: Wonderful family I've got.
Scotty: You had your chance for my defence, you blew it! Hahahaha.
Saunders: 750 on Puerco.
Benson: 1 cent on Puerco.
Billy: One cent?
Benson: I know he's gonna win and that's about how much each of them is worth.
Jessica: I'll give 999 to the one who wins the most money.
Billy: Thank you. Your bets have been written down. Don't try to cheat if you lose. These are official bets.
Billy takes out 2 swords and brings them to Chester.
Billy: Pick one, Mr. Tate.
Chester: You're supposed to call me dad.
Billy: I have to be impartial.
Chester: Why are we using swords? We were supposed to use guns.
Billy: Because you don't have a gun licence. These things take time in Connecticut. Now pick one before I give El Puerco both.
Chester takes one of the swords and makes some practice swings, knocking down some trees in the process.
Billy: By the way, they're real Japanese katanas. They can chop a person's head off.
Chester: You mean, I could get my head knocked off?
Bob: Ha ha ha.
Chester: Bob, how'd you like to have as many holes through you as swiss cheese?
Billy hands the other sword to El Puerco who makes a practice chop. The sword cuts right through the table and all the food falls on the floor.
Benson: I ain't cleaning that.
Billy: Ready! Set!
El Puerco and Chester get ready.
El Puerco charges at Chester. Chester blocks. Both start moving the swords quickly at each other. After 10 minutes locked in combat, the two break off.
Chester: Not bad.
El Puerco: You're better than I thought. But you still won't beat me.
Chester: We'll see about that!
Both of them start fighting again. Chester makes El Puerco bleed in the chest. El Puerco doesn't give up. El Puerco swings as hard as he can. Chester ducks. The sword flys out of El Puerco's hand and hits a tree. The tree falls over on top of El Puerco. Chester aims the sword at El Puerco's head.
Chester: Do you surrender, foul beast?
El Puerco: I spit in your face! But, you win. I can't believe it, but you win.
Chester: Good (cuts the tree away so El Puerco can get up).
El Puerco: I've never been so humiliated in my entire life. (to Jessica) My fair Jessica, I'm a man of my word. I give up.
Jessica: El, there's something I wanted to tell you anyway.
El Puerco: What?
Jessica: You're an idiot. Goodbye, and good riddance.
The Tates and Campbells clap and the audience cheers as El Puerco leaves the ravine.
Everyone looks at Juan One.
Juan One: Goodbye everyone! Have a nice life!
Juan One leaves.
Billy: OK everyone, pay up!
Corinne and Chuck: Yes! We won! We won!
Burt: Gee, too bad I'm running for senator. I should've bet my mortgage on Chester.
Scene 4: Golf course. Burt, the governor and Gene enter the clubhouse.
Governor: Wow, Burt, you're getting much better at this.
Burt: Well, I'm trying.
Gene: Yesterday, 300, today 299. An improvement.
Burt: Well, I know...
Gene: Listen, Burt, we have to talk to you about something.
Burt: What is it?
Gene: I don't know how to tell you this, but...
Governor: You have no chance in hell of becoming senator.
Burt: Why not?
Gene: Your family. They're completely insane.
Burt: Hey, hey, hey...
Gene: How about that duel you guys had the other day?
Burt: Just a friendly battle between two enemies....how do you know about that anyway?
Gene: We know everything there is to know about you, Burt.
Burt: You've been spying on me?
Gene: Well, we don't call it spying.
Governor: Even though it is.
Burt: You're checking up on me?
Gene: That's standard procedure.
Burt: I don't understand.
Gene: There's nothing to understand. If you want to become senator, you need to disassociate yourself from your family.
Governor: Dump em.
Burt: Well, maybe I don't want to dump them.
Gene: If you want to be senator, that's the only way.
Burt: Well, maybe I don't want to become senator.
Gene: Sure you do, Burt.
Burt gets up.
Burt: No I don't. I've had it with the two of you. You push and shove me around, you make fun of my golfing and you say bad things about my family. I'm leaving.
Burt begins to leave.
Gene: Burt, if you leave now, you'll never be able to hold any office.
Burt: I could care less. Goodbye!
The audience cheers as Burt leaves.
Governor: So, what's for lunch?
Scene 5: Alien spaceship, the one that kidnapped Burt in 1979. The aliens are in the beaming room with Saul.
Head Alien: Now Saul, all you have to do is go down to earth and get Scotty.
Saul: Why me?
Head Alien: Because if I went, people might be suspicious.
Saul: You can't take Burt's son away.
Head Alien: He's not Burt's son. He's his (points at one of the other aliens, who begins jumping up and down).
Saul: Are you sure?
Head Alien: Of course I'm sure. Now go.
Saul: I won't go.
Head Alien: Saul....Don't make us torture you.
Head Alien: And no funny stuff. If you try anything, we'll get you.
Saul: Fine, fine.
Saul goes into the beaming chamber. The aliens press a few buttons and Saul disappears.
Head Alien: Our son will be here soon.
Announcer: Now that El Puerco is gone, will Jessica go back to Chester? Or will she take up with another revolutionary? What will happen between Dutch and Corinne? And if Eunice finds out about it, will they have enough money to make it happen? Will Wendy believe Jodie that Charlie's been cheating on her? What will Burt do now that he's given up on being senator? Will he improve his golf game? Will the aliens really get Scotty? Or will he get them first? These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of:
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